“Remember class, the worse you do on this standardized test the more funding the school gets, so don’t knock yourselves out.” – Mrs. Krabappel
“Ah, the Miracle Mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there’s not a single church or library to offend the eye.” – Homer Simpson
“Just don’t look. Just don’t look.” – Paul Anka & Lisa Simpson
[Note: The Halloween themed animated .gif above comes courtesy of reader Api who sent it in with the subject line, “The perfect GIF to symbolise what needs to be done with The Simpsons.” Damn right.]
This week, the Vatican’s shitty newspaper, with which I’ve had dealings in the past, wrote something dumb about Homer being Catholic. And so, for about the third week in a row, the Simpsons part of the internet was flooded with one boring topic. The number of “Homer? Catholic?” type articles I read and/or skipped over was amazing. In accordance with official Dead Homer Society policy dealing with things this stupid and media whorish, there are no links about it below. What we do have is two reviews of Ortved’s book, some excellent usage, awesome Halloween themed Simpsons nail art, a sweet drawing of Lisa, and a chance for people in Minnesota to meet Mike Reiss. Oh, and there’s a Simpsons art exhibition coming up in the UK. Have I mentioned that we welcome submissions?
Enjoy.
[Edited to add: don’t forget to vote for your choice of season for tomorrow’s Simpsons marathon.]
Loser – It’s not a very Lisa thing to do, but this drawing is great (via).
Save Some Room for Laughst This Thanksgiving Night With World Broadcast Premiere of ‘The Simpsons Movie’ – The craptacular movie is about to join Zombie Simpsons on regular FOX. Feh.
Attention, Supervillains and Climate Engineers: The U.N. May Soon Forbid You To Block Out the Sun – Even the most improbably far fetched global warming solutions can be used to reference The Simpsons.
Simpsons avatar – The vegetarian shirt Apu sells really makes this.
Bart: truly, the King of spring fields – I know almost nothing about horseracing in America, and even less about it in Australia. But apparently there’s a guy named Bart who races horses.
Anomaly Appraisal: The Simpsons: An Uncensored, Unauthorized History – Animation Anomaly reviewed the Ortved book, and linked to us! Hooray.
‘Simpsons’ history suffers from excessive speculation – Another review of the Ortved book, this one from an actual newspaper.
The Simpsons Art Exhibition – There’s going to be a month long Simpsons art exhibit in Manchester. This is the Facebook page. Should any of our UK readers find themselves at it, consider snapping some pictures and sending them in.
Top 10 Schwingtastic Childhood TV Flashback Tracks – Lots of 90s YouTube here, including Bart’s duet with Leon Kompowski.
hour #6: the simpsons, south park, and sex – An interesting essay on the tangled web of concepts that result when people get prosecuted, as a guy in Idaho recently did, for having Simpsons porn. The only thing I’d seriously disagree with is this:
In fact, the reason I’m using South Park as an example and not The Simpsons is because South Park actually has a very large porn-fandom.
I’ve never looked into the South Park porn-fandom community but, as someone who looks at the search results that get people to this blog, let me assure you that there is a great deal of on-line interest in Simpsons porn. Also, Kick-Ass was fantastic.
My Cigar Guy photoshop power rankings – There’s a quite well done drawing of him with the family Simpson here.
Night of the Dolphin! “Best Horror Flick Ever!” – I have respect for “Treehouse of Horror XI” far above everything else in Season 12 for the simple reason that they got the term “glory hole” on network television.
Moe Moe Kyun~ – Moe photoshopped into a couple of Anime pictures.
Oh the Simpsons, you explain it all. – Perfectly quoted. Cool.
A Fine Mahoke To You All – I have a general policy never to link to or read The New Republic, it only encourages them, but this is pretty excellent usage. Helpfully, the entire thing is right in the title, so you don’t even need to click (via).
The Simpsons as Addams Family Nail Art Tutorial – I do not have the necessary fine motor control to do this:
Those look amazing.
LISA SIMPSON diy tank top m/l KUTEGURL sale – Looks more like Maggie to me, but that’s still great use of a boring old Simpsons t-shirt.
Travel: Oktoberfest Munich, Germany 2010 – There is much awesomeness at Oktoberfest, including this:
Slowly the group started to leave and we were left with one guy from Holland and also we began to make friends with a guy from South Africa. I asked them their names, the South African said his name was Johan, when I asked the guy from Holland what his name was he says "Bart, like Bart Simpson!" I just started laughing, he asked my name I told him it was Lisa. He responds, "Lisa, like Lisa Simpson, Bart and Lisa Simpson!" He was so excited about this I couldn’t help but crack up. Also the fact that we had had quite a few beers made the situation more funny.
Making d’oh: Simpsons’ writer to appear at Club Book – If you live in or around Minneapolis/St. Paul you can see Mike Reiss tonight or tomorrow.
Friday Roundup!!! – And finally, I get to end the way I like to:
Sign #1114 that I’m becoming old as hell (but still handsome…as hell)…when I complain that the new hi-def intro to The Simpsons looks friggin’ lame and trumped up. There was a predictability in the old one. The ORIGINAL one. Every child of the eighties grew up with that show. Every child new how it went, there was a mental, subconsciousrhythm that one could depend on. A mental clock of the emotional soul. For that brief moment, you something good and pure and entertaining, something that could instill happiness on a primal level that the outside world couldn’t get to, that is what the intro signified. That, and the general quality of the show is gone. And that is why I feel old. The show hasn’t been entertaining since the 8th-ish season.
Yeah.
“Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok have just reported an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen Belt. Scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken.” – Radio Announcer
Five years ago, a better than average copy of William Shakespeare’s First Folio was sold at auction in Britain for £2.8 million. Part of what made it so attractive to the sort of people who are rich and bored enough to covet such items is the fact that, despite being printed in 1623, it contained notes from fans of the period:
Annotations are written throughout in brown ink and include prompts such as “wit”, “love”, or “simile”.
Experts said the comments offered a unique insight into contemporary views of Shakespeare because many of today’s famous passages had been overlooked.
Instead, lines such as “Uttering such dulcet and harmonious breath, / That the rude sea grew ciuil at her song” (Midsummer Night’s Dream, II. 3) are pointed out.
It wouldn’t have been nearly as valuable without those annotations. The text of the plays survive in innumerable copies, nobody needs another one. But the notes that may have seemed extraneous at the time are, four centuries later, what distinguishes this copy from all the others.
In a marginally similar, if vastly more contemporary, vein, “Treehouse of Horror VI” exists in more places than can be counted. Between television stations, DVD collections, dusty VHS cassettes, retail outlets, some vault at FOX, and the ever changing swarm of people and hardware that sustains BitTorrent, a pristine copy of the completed work seems unlikely to be a valuable find four hundred years from now. On the other hand, the original script, complete with things that were never filmed or aired, is a relative rarity.
Fifteen years ago, John Swartzwelder, Steve Tompkins, and David S/X Cohen wrote that script; and somewhere a paper copy of it sits on a library shelf. Thanks to the intrepid efforts of commenter Shane, who found it on that shelf and then sat down and typed out the whole thing*, it won’t rest there in obscurity. Instead, all twenty-seven pages of it are here, on the internet, for your leisurely perusal.
I’ve copied the full text after the jump, or you can download a PDF copy (which does a much better job of preserving the original formatting). For the moment I’ll resist posting my thoughts on what was left in and what got cut. This is The Simpsons raw, and if you’re reading this site (and you’re not some dickhead FOX lawyer), you don’t need me to tell you what to think about it.
*From his original e-mail: “I didn’t properly transcribe the math symbols in Homer(3) because I’m lazy.” Not a problem.
“TREEHOUSE OF HORROR VI”
By
John Swartzwelder
Steve Tompkins
David S. Cohen
OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE
Throughout this sequence, the camera swoops and twists (Steadicam style) through a large haunted house, a la the opening of HBO’s “Tales from the Crypt.”
We open outside, where through flashes of lightning, we see LEATHERFACE (from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”) charge into the house, chainsaw ROARING. The CAMERA FOLLOWS him into:
1) THE KITCHEN, where Leatherface removes his mask to reveal it’s NED FLANDERS. He sits down at the table with the rest of the Flandereses, dressed like the other “Chainsaw” characters. NELSON, looking nervous with an apple in his mouth, is the main dish. The family begins to say grace reverently as the CAMERA MOVES INTO:
2) The PARLOW, where the ghosts of SIDESHOW BOB and BART circle each other, preparing to strike. Each is trying to conceal an axe behind his back, but since they’re both transparent, it doesn’t do much good. We MOVE INTO:
3) The BATHROOM, where SMITHERS is cheerily BLOW-DRYING his hair. He doesn’t notice that behind him is MR. BURNS, drowning in a glass shower completely full of water. Burns GASPS and pounds on the glass to no avail. Smithers finishes up and casually tosses his blow dryer into the shower as the CAMERA SWINGS INTO:
4) The LABORATORY, where DR. HIBBERT is experimenting on RICHARD NIXON’S severed head, a la “Re-Animator.” With each JOLT of electricity, the head makes Nixon-y SHUDDERING SOUNDS. The CAMERA then MOVES INTO:
5) THE BEDROOM, where a SKELETON is trying to decide on an outfit for the day. He peruses the contents of his closet – SKINNER’S empty hide, MOE’S empty hide, APU’S empty hide, and then decides on KRUSTY’S skin. As the skeleton steps into Krusty like a jumpsuit…
The CAMERA MOVES through the rear window, down the hillside, and into the Simpson house for our standard beginning.
ATTACK OF THE 50 FT. EYESORES
By
John Swartzwelder
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT: HOMER’S CAR – DAY SCENE 1
Homer’s car turns onto Springfield’s garish business strip.
HOMER
Ah, the Miracle Mile – where value wears a neon sombrero and there’s not a single church or library to offend the eye. It truly is a miracle.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD STRIP – CONTINUOUS
Homer cruises past the Paul Bunyan Vision Center. On top is a forty-foot fibreglass PAUL BUNYAN, wearing glasses. His blue ox BABE is also wearing glasses.
HOMER
Now that’s a great sign! I will try ox meat.
Homer passes “Aladdin’s Magic Carpets & Linoleum”, which features a giant statue of ALADDIN on a flying linoleum floor. Then he passes a giant TAM O’SHANTER on top of “Tam O’Shanter Tax Preparation”.
HOMER (CONT’D)
(IMPRESSED) Oooh, big. (BEAT) Oooh, big.
He suddenly spies a huge BIG BOY-LIKE CHARACTER in checkered overalls, holding up a giant donut. The sign says “Lard Lad Donuts: Home of the ‘COLOSSAL’ Donut,” and there is a banner reading “Grand Opening.” (p.1)
HOMER (CONT’D)
There it is! The chain that put the “fat” in “fat Southern sheriffs!”
INT: LARD LAD DONUTS – A MINUTE LATER
Homer rushes in and slaps a dollar down on the counter.
HOMER
I want a colossal donut. Just like the one on the sign.
The TEENAGE CLERK gives Homer a normal-sized donut. Homer looks at it in dismay.
HOMER (CONT’D)
(ANNOYED GRUNT) Nuts!
Homer points out the window to Lard Lad’s giant donut.
HOMER (CONT’D)
That’s false advertising! Lard Lad lied!
TEENAGE CLERK
Sorry, sir. No refunds.
HOMER
I paid for a colossal donut and I’m gonna get a giant donut.
Homer stalks toward the door. Thunder CRACKS in the distance. Outside, we see dark, Spielberg style thunder clouds rolling in.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD STRIP – 2:30 AM
Lightning flashes in the sky. The empty Miracle Mile is lit up like the Las Vegas Strip. Homer, wearing pantyhose over his head like a bank robber, drives up to Lard Lad Donuts. (p.2)
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O)
(DANCE MUSIC, THEN) We interrupt this program for a special bulletin. Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok have just reported an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen Belt. Scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken.
HOMER
(SCOFFING) Eggheads. What do they know?
Homer gets out of his car and throws a tow chain around the giant donut.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O)
We now return you to Swing Serenade, sponsored by Gorman’s Ear Guards. (LOUD) Guard your ears (SOFT) with Gorman’s.
Homer hits the gas and the giant donut SNAPS off. As he speed s away, the donut BOUNCES off his roof, SHATTERS the rear window, and then DRAGS behind the car, sparking.
HOMER
Hee hee hee. I’ve got your donut, Lard Lad! And what are you gonna do about it?
There is a flash of LIGHTNING and Lard Lad’s smile turns into a grimace of rage. His head slowly rotates to watch Homer, a la the statues in “Jason and the Argonauts”. He breaks free from his moorings and lumbers after Homer, but can’t catch up. (p.3)
LARD LAD
(UNEARTHLY ROAR)
UP AND DOWN THE STRIP
In quick succession, Paul Bunyan, Aladdin, and the Tam O’Shanter are brought to life by the unearthly roar.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – 4:00 AM.
The huge donut takes up the whole living room. Homer, pantyhose rolled up to his forehead, is sitting in the donut, happily drinking a beer. Marge SQUEEZES into the room.
MARGE
Homer! Where did you get that?
HOMER
(GENUINE INNOCENCE) Get what?
MARGE
The giant donut.
HOMER
Well… I acquired it legally, you can be sure of that.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD STRIP – SAME TIME
The giant neon Duff Cowboy comes to life, a la the “After Midnight” beer commercial. He steps down off his perch, proffering his giant beer to a group of excited college students.
COLLEGE STUDENTS
Beer me, dude!/ Party on, Tex! / Yeah, let’s party, baby! (AD LIB, ETC.)
The giant cowboy lowers the beer to the college students, then GRINDS them into the ground with the butt of the bottle.
COLLEGE STUDENTS (CONT’D)
(SCREAMS AND CRIES OF DISMAY) (p.4)
FURTHER DOWN THE STRIP
At the Zip Boys Auto Parts Store, the cartoon statues of MAURY, MEL, AND MACK come to life and step down from the sign. After a beat, their oversized caricature heads flop to one side. They DRAG their heads along the ground with their tiny bodies and GRUMBLE. The OWNER of the store runs out.
STORE OWNER
(OLD JEWISH MAN VOICE) Fellas, remember, whatever you do reflects on this store! Hey, don’t scratch up them heads! What are you, crazy? You don’t drag your head in the street.
EXT. ROOFTOP OF CHANNEL 6 – EARLY MORNING
As the monsters rampage in the background, KENT BROCKMAN reports.
KENT BROCKMAN
Good morning, everybody! Panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it’s part of some daring new ad campaign. But what new product could justify such carnage? … A cleanser? A fat-free fudge cake that doesn’t let you down in the flavour department like so many others—
During the above, behind Kent, the Channel 6 billboard featuring his likeness comes to life. The GIANT KENT grabs the real Kent. (p.5)
KENT BROCKMAN (CONT’D)
Stop! Stop! Unhand me, you local Emmy-nominated veteran news anchor!
The giant Kent Brockman climbs down the building carrying the real Kent Brockman like Faye Wray.
EXT. STREET – MORNING SCENE 2
The school bus SCREECHES to a stop in front of a giant DEVIL whose chest reads: “Red Devil Realty.” BART and LISA grab each other and SCREAM. The devil picks up the school bus and peers through the front window menacingly.
CHILDREN
(SCREAMS)
OTTO
(RUBBING EYES) Whoa! Another acid flashback! Man, I’m sure getting my money’s worth out of that little tab.
EXT. STREET – A LITTLE LATER
SCREAMING people run hysterically down the street. When they get to a red light, they stop and wait, making low WHIMPERING sounds. Then, when the light changes, they panic down the street again, SCREAMING even louder. A giant PROFESSOR PEANUT (wearing pince-nez glasses and mortarboard) CRACKS open a car like a peanut and eats the people inside, discarding the “shell.” We see a trail of car “shells” behind him.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET
A huge OCTOPUS MONSTER has slithered off a store and is grabbing citizens with its tentacles and vaporizing them with its laser eyeballs.
ANGRY CITIZEN
Why did you have to name your store “Atomic Octopus Yogurt”?! (p.6)
HIPPIE SHOPKEEPER
(HOSTILE) What would you like, man?! “Suburban Polyester Power Trip Yogurt?!”
The hippie is immediately vaporized by the octopus.
ANGLE ON A FAMILAR FLYING SAUCER
Hovering over the scene. KANG looks out the window.
KANG
Hey Kodos, you’ll like this…
KODOS joins him at the window.
KANG/KODOS
(EVIL LAUGHTER) Foolish Earthli—
They are instantly vaporized as well.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD CITY LIMITS
Furiously HONKING cars try to flee town. We see them speed into a tunnel than WIDEN to see Paul Bunyan has his mouth over the other end of the tunnel.
EXT. KWIK-E-MART
Apu is frantically painting “Monster Owned” on the side of the Kwik-E-MART.
EXT. BIG AND TALL MEN’S SHOP – SIMULTANEOUS
A giant MAN lurches away from the shop. CHIEF WIGGUM FIRES at him and he instantly DROPS to the ground.
CHIEF WIGGUM
Aw, they’re not so tough.
LOU
Ah, Chief, that wasn’t a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team. (p.7)
CHIEF WIGGUM
(COVERING) Uh, yeah… Well, he was turning into a monster, though.
EXT. SCHOOLYARD – DAY
Bart is now riding on the shoulder of the huge red devil. He whispers into its ear.
BART
(SLY) What are you waitin’ for? Wreck the school. You know you wanna.
The devil wrestles with his conscience. Impatient, Bart scurries around to the devil’s other shoulder and whispers in that ear.
BART (CONT’D)
(GRUFFLY) I agree. Destroy the school.
The devil shrugs and begins destroying the school.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY
There’s no sign of monsters, and all is still. Homer sits in the middle of the donut meditating in the lotus position.
HOMER
(MANTRA) Mmmm…Mmmmmm….
The doorbell RINGS. Homer opens the door to reveal LARD LAD bending over and peering in.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Hello? Yes? (REALIZING) Oh! Uh…if you’re looking for that big donut of yours…uh… Flanders has it. (POINTING, NONCHALANT) Just smash open his house.
Lard Lad heads for Flanders’ house. Homer closes the door. (p.8)
HOMER (CONT’D)
(AFTERTHOUGHT) He came to life. Good for him.
We hear a house being torn apart, then heavy footsteps returning. The doorbell RINGS again. Homer opens the door, and Lard Lad peers down. In the background, we see a hysterical FLANDERS running down the street, his clothes torn and partially missing.
FLANDERS
Help me! Help me, Lord!
He bumps smack into the towering red devil, who is just rounding the corner.
FLANDERS (CONT’D)
(COVERING) Er…Lord of Darkness, that is. (BEAT) Howdilly-do, Beelze-buddy.
ON THE SIMPSON FRONT PORCH.
Homer is arguing with Lard Lad.
HOMER
I told you: Flanders has it. (IDEA) Or Moe! (PUSHING HIM A LITTLE) Go kill Moe.
Marge SCREECHES up in the station wagon with the kids.
MARGE
Homer! Just give him the donut. Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror.
HOMER
(RELUCTANT) Well…Okay. If it’ll end horror. (p.9.)
MOMENTS LATER
Lard Lad happily holds the donut. The family looks relieved. Suddenly, Lard Lad storms off, destroying cars and houses with his donut, and kicking BARKING dogs over fences.
HOMER
Don’t you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?
MARGE
(MEEKLY) Sometimes.
WIDE SHOT OF THE CITY
Amidst the destruction, the monsters are making Godzilla-style SCREAMING noises and lumbering about awkwardly, except for Professor Peanut, who strolls gracefully across town at normal speed, twirling his cane jauntily. A giant top-hatted exterminator with a mallet behind his back (a la the Western Exterminator logo) FLATTENS a passing trolley. ALADDIN flies past on his linoleum floor, the Tam O’Shanter slithers by like the blob, then the Zip Boys struggle by, pushing their over-sized heads in shopping carts.
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE – FRONT YARD – A FEW MINUTES LATER
Marge, Bart, and Lisa watch Lard Lad lumber off into the distance.
MARGE
Those monsters are destroying everything and everyone we hold dear! (THEN) And you kids should have jackets on.
Lisa notices one of Lard Lad’s footprints and walks over.
LISA
Hey, what’s that in his footprint? (p.10)
She sees the imprint of a copyright notice in Lard Lad’s footprint. The copyright reads “(c) 1947, VAN BRUNT & CHURCHILL ADVERTISING.”
LISA
Hm. Maybe they’ll know something.
SCENE 3
EXT. VAN BRUNT & CHURCHILL AD AGENCY – A LITTLE LATER
Lisa’s bike is parked outside.
LISA (V.O)
So you created all those giant characters?
INT. AD AGENCY – CONTINUOUS
MR. VAN BRUNT
(MASON ADAMS-TYPE VOICE) Mmm-hmm. All except for the atomic octopus. (BITTER) Sure, it won lots of awards, but it didn’t move yogurt.
We see Mr. Van Brunt sitting in a decaying 1950s-style ad agency. The walls are decorated with old ads, including “50 Million Cigarette Smokers Can’t Be Wrong”, “If You Like Ike, You’ll Love Anderson Septic Tanks”, and “Join The Army And See The Opposing Army”.
LISA
So you must know how to stop those things.
MR. VAN BRUNT
(THOUGHTFULLY) Well, sir, advertising is a funny thing. If people stop paying attention to it, pretty soon it goes away. (p.11)
LISA
Like that old woman who couldn’t find the beef?
MR. VAN BRUNT
Exactly. If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they’ll lose their powers.
LISA
But people can’t help looking at them. They’re wrecking the town.
MR. VAN BRUNT.
You know, maybe a jingle will help.
He goes over to a piano and begins noodling around on the keys.
MR. VAN BRUNT (CONT’D)
(HALF SINGING) Don’t watch the….(DIFFERENT MELODY) … don’t watch the… (FANCY MOVE)… monstersssss. (BEAT) It’ll sound a lot better comin’ outta Paul Anka.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET – A LITTLE LATER
Lisa stands on the roof of a sound truck with PAUL ANKA as Mr. Van Brunt drives them down the street. The townspeople are watching, agog, as the monsters destroy what’s left of their town. (Lenny is leaning forward at an unnatural angle, like Buster Keaton, with the widest eyes imaginable.) (p.12)
LISA
Hey , Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of (DEEP VOICE) monsteritis? (NORMAL VOICE) Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka…
PAUL ANKA
(SINGING) To stop those monsters 1-2-3/Here’s a fresh new way that’s trouble free/It’s got Paul Anka’s guarantee/
LISA
(SINGING) Guarantee void in Tennessee.
LISA/PAUL ANKA
(SINGING) Just don’t look! / Just don’t look!
During the above, citizens turn their attention away from the monsters and toward the sound track. They tap their feet and slowly join in.
LISA/PAUL ANKA/TOWNSPEOPLE
(SINGING) Just don’t look! / Just don’t look!
ON PAUL BUNYAN AND THE GIANT EXTERMINATOR
We see them PUNCHING buildings, then noticing that no one is watching them. They gesture to each other a la “what gives,” then start showing off, PUNCHING the buildings with even more ferocity.
LISA/PAUL ANKA/TOWNSPEOPLE
(SINGING) Just don’t look! /Just don’t look! (p.13)
ANGLE ON ALL THE MONSTERS
With no one watching them, they start to lose their strength. The Red Devil, the Duff Cowboy, and the giant Kent Brockman begin to stagger, GASP, and topple over.
Several of the monsters huddle together and we hear FRANTIC WHISPERING. When they emerge from the huddle, they begin a trendy hip-hop dance routine – with Professor Peanut as the lead, and the Zip Boys as backups. The Atomic Octopus POUNDS out the rhythm on the historic Bongo Building.
BART
What are they doing?
MR. VAN BRUNT
They’re trying to get hip to the times. It’s what advertisers do when they’re desperate. Remember Rap-Master Kenmore?
The monsters weaken a little more when they see their ploy isn’t working. The citizens continue to shield their eyes and HUM THE JINGLE.
After a bear, we hear a horrendous GROANING and CREAKING of metal.
BART
(TRYING NOT TO LOOK) What are they doing now?
MR. VAN BRUNT
(MATTER OF FACT) Sex sells. So they’re having sex.
MARGE
Children, don’t look. (p.14)
BART
(CAJOLING) But Mom, it’s just a beautiful act of respect between two consenting monsters…
With a GRUNT, Marge twists Bart’s head away. Every building in sight is covered with the shadows of monsters having sex.
ON THE MONSTERS – A FEW MOMENTS LATER.
With no one looking, the monsters GASP and topple over one by one. As a last act of defiance, they try to land on valuable buildings, including the orphanage and the hospital. A kamikaze Aladdin nosedives into the Birthplace of Norman Vincent Peale.
LISA
It worked! They’re all dead!
BART
Well, except for Chubsy-Ubsy over there.
Bart points. ZIP PAN to the one remaining monster, Lard Lad, who seems to be regaining his strength. He’s holding a crudely lettered sign that says “Now with Sprinkles!” as he waggles his giant donut enticingly.
ON HOMER
He is staring at Lard Lad, mesmerized.
HOMER
Mmm… sprinkles.
MARGE
Homer, Stop looking!
LISA
Don’t make us poke your eyes out, Dad.
Homer MOANS in frustration and turns away. (p.15.)
ON LARD LAD
He weakens, collapses and dies. The donut slips out of his hand and rolls off down the road past a sign that reads “Birthplace of Paul Anka – 1 Mile.”
PAUL ANKA
Oh no! My beloved Ankabello!
He runs off in pursuit of the donut.
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LATER
In the background, the Simpsons pick through the remnants of their house as Kent Brockman does a news report from the street. We PUSH slowly in on him so that, by the end, his face fills the frame a la Criswell in “Plan 9 From Outer Space.”
KENT BROCKMAN
Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading towards your town. (BUILDING) Lock your doors. Bar your windows. Because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family.
HOMER
(LEANING IN, SLICK) We’ll be right back.
FAKE OUT:
THE END
NIGHTMARE ON EVERGREEN TERRACE
By
Steve Tompkins
FADE IN:
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE – FRONT YARD – AFTERNOON SCENE 4
PAN DOWN from a street sign reading “Evergreen Terrace” to BART and SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER playing in the Simpson yard. In a corner of the yard, we vaguely see someone raking leaves.
SANTA’S LITTLE HELP
(HAPPY BARKING)
BART
Okay, boy, catch the Frisbee!
He tosses a Frisbee. The dog leaps and catches it in his mouth.
BART (CONT’D)
Good catch, boy.
SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER
(UPPER-CLASS VOICE) Thanks, Bart.
The dog stands and tosses the Frisbee to Bart. Bart leaps, but the Frisbee BONKS off his head. His eyes KACHING! With “No Sale” signs as a cartoon bump encircled by TWEETING birds rises from his head.
SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER
(SYMPATHETIC) Oh, hard luck.
Bart shakes it off with a FLAPPNG MOUTH “YADDA” SOUND. As Bart picks up the Frisbee, a menacing shadow shaped like “Freddy Kruger” falls over him. Bart looks up and his eyes bug out Tex Avery-style as he sees GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE (in a striped sweater and hat) brandishing a rake. Bart holds up a Wile E. Coyote-type sign reading “YIPES!” (p.17.)
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY
Glad to rake your acquaintance. (EVIL LAUGH)
He swipes at Bart’s chest with his rake.
BART
(SCREAMS)
SMASH CUT TO:
INT: SIMPSON HOUSE – BART’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Bart sits up in terror, still SCREAMING. He stops and calms himself.
BART
(SIGHS) It was only a dream.
He sees that his pajamas are torn, and that there are real scratch-marks on his chest.
BART (CONT’D)
(SCREAMS)
HOMER (O.S.)
(VERY CONCERNED) Bart?! Is that you?
BART
Yes.
HOMER (O.S.)
Take out the garbage.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY — PLAYGROUND – THE NEXT DAY
Bart confides in Lisa. (p.18.)
BART
…And then he raked me across the chest. And the weirdest thing was, it was that school janitor who mysteriously disappeared- Groundkeeper Willie.
LISA
(GASP) Oh my God! Bart, Groundskeeper Willie was in my nightmare, too! But he got me with hedge-clippers!
In her outstretched hand, he holds two points of yellow hair. We see her hair is missing two points. A group of kids overhears and joins in, including SHERRI and TERRI, who have one continuous scratch across both of them, and Nelson, who is incredibly shiny and polished. He sparkles.
NELSON
He ran his floor-buffer over me!
PRINCIPAL SKINNER appears behind them.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER
(CHUCKLES) I couldn’t help monitoring your conversation. There’s no mystery about Willie. Why, he simply disappeared… under very non-mysterious circumstances. Now, let’s have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.
Off the children’s dubious looks, we
DISSOLVE TO (p.19)
INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY – BART’S CLASSROOM – LATER
MRS. KRABAPPEL walks up and down the rows, handing out blank test forms.
MRS. KRABAPPEL
Class, you have one hour to complete this standardized test. Remember, the worse you do, the more funding we get from the state, so don’t knock yourselves out.
MARTIN
(Raising hand) But I’m afraid I’ve already filled in all the answers correctly.
MRS. KRABAPPEL
(ROLLING EYES) Then put your head down on your desk and sit quietly.
MARTIN
Aah, a duet of pleasures!
Martin puts his head down. His eyes flutter as he falls asleep.
MARTIN’S DREAM
Martin is dressed like a wizard in a robe of letters. He swirls his cape with a flourish.
MARTIN
I am the Wondrous Wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma! (p.20)
He walks to a giant chalkboard that extends up into the stars and is covered with Latin conjugat.
MARTIN (CONT’D)
(TRIUMPHANT; POINTING TO BOARD) Ha ha! Moirre: To die. Morit: He, she, or it dies.
Behind him, a Willie-shaped figure made of chalkboard and chalk oozes out of the board (a la T2). Willie drags his rake down the chalkboard with an awful SCREECH. Martin turns in horror.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
Moris: You die.
MARTIN
(SCREAM)
Martin starts to run away.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
(CHUCKLES) Ye’ve mastered a dead tongue, but can ye handle a live one?
His long tongue snakes out and coils around Martin, choking him like a boa constrictor. Martin STRUGGLES FRANTICALLY.
BACK TO THE CLASSROOM
MRS. KRABAPPEL
Now, who got the answer to number seven?
Martin, still asleep, convulses violently in his chair and makes CHOKING SOUNDS.
MRS. KRABAPPEL
Someone besides Martin, please.
MARTIN
(SCREAMS IN HORROR) Aagh! Aaaaaaugh! (p.21)
Martin jerks violently and falls over with a THUD, toppling his desk. Then he is still.
NELSON
Haw haw!
INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY – CLASSROOM – LATER SCENE 5
PRINCIPAL SKINNER, Mrs. Krabappel, and NURSE DORIS confer by Martin’s body which lies covered on a gurney.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER
(WHISPERS) Wheel him out quietly. It’s best the children don’t see him.
As Nurse Doris wheels him out, Skinner unknowingly stands on the sheet, which pulls off, revealing Martin’s body frozen in tortured agony.
CLASS
(HORRIFIED SCREAMS)
PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Oh, just get it out of here!
Doris cringes and quickly wheels it out.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER (CONT’D)
Not into the kindergarten!
KINDERGARTEN KIDS (O.S.)
(HIGHER-PITCHED SCREAMS)
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – DINING ROOM – THAT EVENING
LISA
Mom, Dad—Martin died at school today!
MARGE
(SHOCKED MURMUR) I don’t see what that has to do with Groundskeeper Willie. (p.22)
There is a beat of SILENCE.
BART
Um….we didn’t mention Groundskeeper Willie, Mom.
Marge and Homer share a guilty look.
MARGE
(GRUNTS) Kids, it’s time we told you he true story and put your fears to rest. It’s a story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave.
The kids look hopeful.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY – NIGHT – THE PREVIOUS WINTER
It is snowing and the wind BLOWS furiously.
INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY – CLASSROOM – NIGHT
A sign on the door reads ‘P.T.A MEETING TONIGHT.’
MARGE
(OMINOUS) It all started on the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.
PARENTS enter the classroom past a calendar open to the month of “SMARCH”. Homer comes in, shaking snow off his coat and shivering.
HOMER
(SHIVERING) Lousy Smarch weather.
He turns to the thermostat, next to which is a handwritten note reading “DO NOT TOUCH – WILLIE.” (p.23.)
HOMER
(READING) “Do not touch Willie.” Good advice.
CLOSE UP OF THERMOSTAT
We see that the “Cool”, “Warm”, and “Hot” settings are closely grouped together at the left end of the scale. Homer shoves the lever clear to the other side.
INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY – BOILER ROOM – SIMULTANEOUS
Willie sits on a bucket playing his BAGPIPES. He turns to see fingers of flames poking out of the furnace.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
A wee bit o’ tummy trouble, eh, Furnie-Sue?
He approaches the furnace. At that instant, an enormous ball of flame shoots out and sets all of the basement, and Willie, on fire.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
Ach!
He tries to open the door, but the doorknob falls off.
INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY – CLASSROOM – SIMULTANEOUS
PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Our next budget item: Twelve dollars for doorknob repair.
ALL PARENTS
NAY!
INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY – BOILER ROOM – SIMULTANEOUS
Willie, partially ablaze and SCREAMING, tries to put the flames out with a fire extinguisher. A pathetic puff of powder spurts out and does nothing. (p.24)
INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY – CLASSROOM – CONTINUOUS
PRINCIPAL SKINNER
…Recharge fire extinguishers. This is a free service of the fire department.
ALL PARENTS
NAY!
INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY – BASEMENT – SIMULTANEOUS
The door to the boiler room BURSTS open and Willie, engulfed in flames, staggers out and down the hall.
INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY – CLASSROOM – CONTINUOUS
Willie lurches into the classroom and full burn.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
(SCREAMS) Help! Please help me!
PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Willie, please. Mr. Van Houten has the floor.
Willie sits politely as Mr. Van Houten drones on.
MR. VAN HOUTEN
I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance, so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don’t like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER
None of us wants that, Kirk. (p.25)
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE (O.S.)
(UNEARTHLY WAIL)
The parents and teachers turn to look at Willie, who is now just a smoldering skeleton. Willie stands in an eerie, supernatural fashion and points accusingly at the parents.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE (CONT’D)
(RASPY) Ye’ll pay for this with yer children’s blood!
CHIEF WIGGUM
(MOCKING) Oh, right. How ya gonna get ‘em? “Skeleton power”?
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
I’ll strike where ye kina protect them – in their dreams!
Willie’s skeleton collapses into a pile of dust. The dust obligingly slides into a dustpan, which empties itself into a trash can.
BACK TO THE DINING ROOM
LISA
Bart, don’t you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep we could die!
From offscreen, we hear CUTESY BABY SLEEPING SOUNDS. The family looks over to see Maggie asleep.
MARGE/BART/LISA/HOMER
Awww. (BEAT) Aagh!!
PUSH IN on Maggie’s face. (p.26)
MAGGIE’S DREAM
Maggie toddles down Sesame Street. The Sesame Street THEME becomes off-key and ominous. Willie, as OSCAR THE GROUCH, pops up from a trash can.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
(SLY) Yoo-hoo, Maggie! How’d’ you like to see Big Bird?
He gestures to an enormous cooked bird on a platter with Big Bird’s distinctive orange feet as the drumsticks.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
Don’t forget the Stove-Top Stuffeluffagus! (EVIL LAUGH)
Willie grabs Maggie and starts to pull her into the can.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
This nightmare has been brought to you by the number 7 and the letter “hell!” (BEAT) And a generous grant from the Ford Foundation.
Maggie begins SUCKING her pacifier rapidly, like an outboard motor. She trembles and we MATCH CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – DINING ROOM
The family is trying to shake Maggie awake.
BART/LISA/HOMER/MARGE
Maggie! Maggie! Wake up! (AD LIBS)
Maggie’s eyes snap open, terrified. She grabs for the tablecloth like a security blanket. Dishes and silverware CRASH to the floor as she PURRS with relief.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – TV ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT SCENE 6
Bart and Lisa are surrounded by coffee cups. Bart affixes a nipple to a bottle of Buzz Cola and hands it to Maggie. Heavy-lidded, they stare dully at the TV. (p.27)
BART
(DROWSY) I gotta stay awake or Willie will get us.
TV ANNOUNCER (V.O)
We now return to Paul Muni and Greer Garson in the 1936 classic “To Build A Chapel.”
PAUL MUNI (V.O.)
(SCRATCHY AND WARPED) Susan, we need more boards. About ten more.
Bart starts to nod off, then jerks himself awake.
LISA
It’s no use, Bart. We can’t stay up forever.
BART
(GETS AN IDEA) Oh, the only thing left to do is to go into my dream and force Willie into a final showdown. (INTENSE) You stay awake, and if it looks like I’m in trouble, wake me up.
LISA
Okay, but promise you won’t be grouchy.
Bart YAWNS and drifts off to sleep.
DISSOLVE TO:
BART’S DREAM
Bart appears in the schoolyard. It is creepy and deserted. He walks around cautiously, fists at the ready. (p.28)
BART
(NERVOUS) Come on, Willie. I know you’re out there.
After a beat, a tractor with Willie’s face, plaid chassis, and a menacing mowing attachment SMASHES through the hedge behind Bart and nearly runs him down.
BART
(SCREAM)
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
(EVIL CHUCKLE) Better write your girlfriend a John Deere letter!
BART
What? I don’t have a girlfriend.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
How am I supposed to know that?
Bart charges back through the hedge. Willie tries to follow, but in order to turn around, he ahs to make a laborious eight-point turn. We hear TRUCK BACKING UP BEEPS.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLAYGROUND
BART
(FRANTIC NOISES)
Bart spies a bag of grass clippings and gets an idea. He grabs the bag and starts sprinkling the clippings onto something.
TRACTOR’S POV
Willie has finished his turn and is looking around for Bart.
ON BART
Bart picks up a garden hose, throws it out of frame, and turns on the spigot. (p.29)
BART
Hey Lawn-Boy! You missed a spot!
Bart gestures to an overgrown patch of grass in front of him.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
That’s impossible! I’ll grind ye into mulch, ‘cause I come with that attachment!
TRACTOR’S POV
Willie swerves towards Bart. We see his gearshift slide forward and his accelerator floor itself. He bears down on Bart, sending up a big rooster tail of sod, dirt, sprinkler pipes, etc. When the tractor is almost upon Bart, it blows away his grass clippings, revealing a water-soaked sandbox. Willie can’t stop in time and becomes mired in the “quicksand.” He begins to sink.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE (CONT’D)
Ach! Sinky-sand! (YELPS OF DISTRESS)
As Willie sinks, he desperately morphs into a succession of different forms, including: a tank, a mastodon, a rocket, and finally, his human form. His arm reaches up from the muck as his head goes under.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE (CONT’D)
(DEATH GURGLES)
Bart sits down by the sandbox.
BART
(RELIEVED SIGH) Willie’s gone for good. Now I can get back to my normal dreams: me and Krusty winning the Superbowl.
Krusty trots over in a football uniform. (p.30)
KRUSTY
(PANTING) Bart, there’s two seconds left! Go long!
Bart smiles. Behind him, pipe-like tentacles slither up from the sandbox, followed by an enormous spider-like bagpipe monster with Willie’s face. Bart turns around, SCREAMS, and is immediately seized by one of the bagpipe tentacles.
KRUSTY
(REVOLTED NOISE) Oh, boy. Don’t dream about me no more, kid.
Krusty runs away as the bagpipe tentacles start pulling Bart under.
SFX: WHEEZY BAG-PIPE “BREATHING”
BART
Help! Lisa, help!
Lisa runs up to the sandbox.
LISA
Bart, wake up! You’ve got to get out of this dream!
BART
Wait a minute… If you’re here, then you’ve fallen asleep too!
LISA
I’m not asleep, I’m just resting my eye—uh oh.
A tentacle grabs Lisa, and Willie starts pulling both kids into the quicksand. The WHEEZY BAGPIPE BREATHING gets faster and faster as the kids struggle. The bagpipe’s blow-hole opens and closes with each breath. (p.31)
LISA
Good-bye, Bart!
BART
Good-bye Lis. (BITTER) I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes.
From offscreen, we hear a PLUGGING SOUND and the bagpipe’s breathing stops abruptly. Willie’s eyes bulge out in horror.
BART/LISA
(HOPEFUL GASP)
WIDEN TO REVEAL that Maggie is there, and that she has corked the blow-hole with her pacifier. Willie’s eyes dart back and forth in panic as he tries to exhale. He drops the kids and begins flailing frantically for the pacifier, all the while growing larger and larger until the air bag has inflated to the size of a house. After a beat, he EXPLODES, splattering plaid everywhere and blowing the kids sky high.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
(ANGUISHED SCREAM/DISSONANT BAGPIPE CHORD)
EXT. EARTH – CONTINUOUS
The kids are blasted into space and fall into orbit around a cratered, sofa-shaped moon. After a few quick orbits, they smack into the surface of the sofa/moon.
MATCH CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON TV ROOM – CONTINUOUS (MORNING)
Bart, Lisa and Maggie wake up on the sofa. Lisa hugs Maggie.
LISA
You saved us, Maggie!
Maggie produces a new pacifier, spins it like a six-gun, and blows on it before sticking it in her mouth. (p.32)
BART
Thanks to you, the nightmare’s over forever.
The three get up and head outside to admire the sunrise.
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE – FRONT PORCH – CONTINUOUS
It’s a beautiful morning. Birds are CHIRPING, etc.
LISA
I don’t know, Bart. Something tells me Willie’s still out there, and he could come back any time in any form and kill us in ways we can’t even imagine.
A city bus pulls up and stops across the street. The doors open, and Willie gets off. He glares at the Simpson children and makes a variety of mildly scary gestures.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
(SCARY NOISES)
Willie realizes the bus is pulling away.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE (CONT’D)
Stop! I left my gun on the seat!
He chases after the bus, then stops and turns to the Simpson kids.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE (CONT’D)
Wait here, please. (p.33.)
He runs off HUFFING and PUFFING. A shoe falls off as he goes.
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE (CONT’D)
Aw, geez!
FADE OUT:
THE END (p.34)
HOMER 3
By
David S. Cohen
FADE IN:
INT: SIMPSON HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY SCENE 7
HUMMING happily, Marge is preparing party snacks at the counter. As Maggie looks on, Marge mixes some chopped-up items in a bowl.
MARGE
What’s mommy making? Apples…. Walnuts… Raisins…
Maggie reaches eagerly into the bowl.
MARGE (CONT’D)
(WAGGING FINGER) Unh, unh, unh. It’s not fit to eat without the wholesome kiss of mayonnaise.
With a GLOMP she empties an entire jar of mayonnaise onto the mixture, stirs it in, and samples it.
MARGE (CONT’D)
Mmmm, Waldorf salad. I feel like a millionaire.
She hands the mayonnaise covered spoon to Maggie, who licks it greedily.
MARGE (CONT’D)
(CALLING) Homer? Get ready. Patty and Selma will be here any minute.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – FOYER – CONTINUOUS
A panicky Homer looks for a hiding place. (p.35)
HOMER
Oh, no. Better ride this one out in the closet.
He OPENS the coat closet. Bart and Lisa are already huddled inside.
LISA
Sorry , dad. This is our spot.
HOMER
Oh yeah? It’s my house, so it’s my spot.
BART
Nuh-uh, ‘cause we called it.
HOMER
(DEFIANT) Did not.
LISA
Well, we’re calling it now.
HOMER
(ALARMED) You are?
BART
‘Fraid so.
HOMER
(MOANS) They got me with their legal mumbo-jumbo.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – A SECOND LATER
Homer looks around desperately. He lifts up the rug by SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER and SNOWBALL II are there. They GROWL and HISS at him as he cautiously lowers the rug.
SFX: DOORBELL. (p.36)
MARGE (V.O.)
Just a second!
HOMER
(PANICKED SOUND)
Homer sees a tall bookcase, pushes it out from the wall, and ducks behind it.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Huh. I never looked behind this whatchamacallit case before.
Homer CHUCKLES and leans cockily against the wall. Strangely, his arms passes ghost-like through the solid wall.
HOMER (CONT’D)
That’s odd.
We hear a SPOOKY SCI-FI STING. Homer stares in disbelief as he slides his arm in and out of the wall. (The wall shimmers slightly and there are occasional blue sparks around his arm.)
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – FOYER – CONTINUOUS
Marge opens the door and PATTY and SELMA barge in.
PATTY
How’s it hangin’, Marge?
Selma starts to take off her heavy overcoat. (It’s raining outside.)
SELMA
Ugh. I’m baking like a meatloaf under this wet wool.
She OPENS the closet door, revealing Bart and Lisa. They attempt to look casual. (p.37)
BART
(COVERING) May I take your coat, Aunt Selma?
LISA
(STILTED) I would also like to take your coat.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – A FEW SECONDS LATER
The morose-looking kids enter, followed by Marge, Patty and Selma. Patty carries a large RATTLING sack.
SELMA
Have we got a family activity for you!
PATTY
A pillowcase full of seashells from our trip to Sulfur Bay.
SELMA
You’re gonna help us clean and organize ‘em.
PATTY
And pry out all the dead hermit crabs. Get a screwdriver.
Selma heads toward the bookshelf where Homer is hiding.
BEHIND THE BOOKSHELF
Homer’s eyes widen in horror as Selma heads right toward him.
HOMER
(STIFLED YELP) I’ll take my chances in the mystery wall.
Homer steps through the wall and into… (p.38)
THE THIRD DIMENSION
We see a shimmering wall (a la Stargate). Homer gradually emerges from it – first his groping hands, then his stomach, his face, and finally his entire body – all rendered in stunning 3-D COMPUTER GRAPHICS. Homer steps toward camera and looks around in awed disbelief at a wondrous landscape we can’t yet see.
HOMER’S BRAIN (V.O.)
(AWED) Oh glory of glories! Oh heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God’s creation!
HOMER’S MOUTH
Holy macaroni!
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – SAME TIME
Newspapers are spread out on the floor and the rest of the family sits glumly prying hermit crabs, etc., out of the shells.
PATTY
(SLURPING SOUND, FOLLOWED BY SPITTING SOUND) Hey! You can just suck ‘em out!
HOMER
(ECHOEY) Hello? Can anybody hear me?
Everyone looks around in confusion. (Note: All of Homer’s voice-overs have an unearthly quality.)
MARGE
Homer? Where are you?
HOMER (V.O.)
I’m somewhere where I don’t know where I am. (p.39)
MARGE
Do you see towels? If you see towels, you’re probably in the linen closet again.
HOMER (V.O.)
Just a second…No, it’s a place I’ve never been before.
SELMA
Ah, the shower! (LAUGHS)
HOMER (V.O.)
Hey!
IN THE THIRD DIMENSION
Homer stands on an endless grid of glowing green lines. In a sweeping 360 degree tracking shot around Homer we see a sparse landscape of standard 3-D shapes, columns and the like, in various colors and textures. [ANIMATORS NOTE: The following equations appear on background objects: 1 + 1 = 2, e(fi) = -1, P = NP, 1782(12) + 1841(12) = 1922(12), m0 > 3H0(2)/8piG, 46 72 69 6E 6B 20 72 75 6C 65 73 21] Homer gropes around looking for the entrance he came through.
HOMER
(NOT ECHOEY) I don’t want to alarm you, Marge, but I seem to be trapped in here.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – SIMULTANEOUS
MARGE
(CONCERNED MURMUR) We better call Ned. He has a ladder.
IN THE THIRD DIMENSION
Homer marvels at his three-dimensional body, running his hands over his bulging stomach and his puffy limbs. (p.40)
HOMER
What’s going on here? I’m so bulgy.
Homer THUNKS his belly and the fat ripples for a few seconds.
HOMER (CONT’D)
My stomach sticks way out in front and my…
He turns to see his rear end.
HOMER (CONT’D)
(SMALL SCREAM)
SCENE 8
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – A FEW MINUTES LATER
New stands atop his stepladder in the middle of the living room looking all around at the top of the room.
FLANDERS
Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack – I’m stumped.
SELMA
Hunh. It’s like he just disappeared into fat air.
IN THE THIRD DIMENSION
Homer begins exploring this strange new world. He strolls curiously past the marble temple from the game “MYST”, then kneels at a reflecting pool. As New Age MUSIC plays, a school of hauntingly beautiful golden fish swims by and leaps into the air.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Mmm…. Unprocessed fish sticks.
(DROOL SOUND) (p.41)
A gem-like strand of drool falls from his mouth, and we see the entire scene reflected within it. Homer continues on, passing a three-way street sign marking the intersection of X, Y, and Z streets. The chrome sign gleams with the standard 3-D shimmer effect.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Man, this place looks expensive. I feel like I’m wasting a fortune just standing here. (STARTS HUMMING) Better make the most of it. (BEAT, THEN) (BELCH)
A cone comes rolling across the ground like a tumbleweed. It bounces and jabs Homer in the butt.
(HOMER (CONT’D)
(RUBBING BUTT) Ow! Watch it, coney.
Homer hurls the cone, sending it spinning towards camera. It flies through the air, falls, and TEARS a small “black hole” in the grid (where the lines bend down into darkness). We hear a faint WHOOSHING SUCTION sound.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Oops. (COVERING) Let that be a lesson to you other shapes.
Homer points accusingly at a cube. It cautiously slides away.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – LATER
CHIEF WIGGUM, REV. LOVEJOY, DR. HIBBERT, and PROF. FRINK have arrived to help.
REV. LOVEJOY
(CALLING OUT) Do you see a light, Homer?
HOMER (V.O.)
Yes. (p.42)
REV. LOVEJOY
Move into the light, my son.
HOMER (V.O.)
(SIZZLING SOUND) Ow!
REV. LOVEJOY
All right, okay, don’t move into the light. See if I care.
DR. HIBBERT
Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it’s like in there?
IN THE THIRD DIMENSION
Homer looks around at the glittering landscape. The black hole has gotten slightly larger.
HOMER
Um, it’s like, ahm… did anyone see the movie “Tron”?
IN THE LIVING ROOM
DR. HIBBERT
No.
LISA
No.
CHIEF WIGGUM
No.
MARGE
No.
BART
No. (ip.43)
PATTY
No.
CHIEF WIGGUM
No.
FLANDERS
No.
SELMA
No.
PROF. FRINK
No.
REV. LOVEJOY
No.
CHIEF WIGGUM
Yes. I mean no. No.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – A LITTLE LATER
The bookcase has been moved aside. Professor Frink has drawn a chalk circle around the dimensional door in the wall. There is a flashing sawhorse in front of it, and a variety of scientific devices are scattered about.
LISA
Well, where’s my dad? (p.44)
FRINK
Well, that should be obvious to even the most dimwitted individual – who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology – that Homer Simpson has stumbled into… (DRAMATICALLY) the Third Dimension.
MARGE
(GASP) Are you saying what I think you’re saying, Professor Frink?
PROF. FRINK
I doubt it, ma’am. It’s highly complicated.
A GRADUATE STUDENT wearing a Springfield Polytech shirt wheels up a chalkboard. Professor Frink draws a square on it.
PROF. FRINK (CONT’D)
Here is an ordinary square…
CHIEF WIGGUM
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Egghead!
PROF . FRINK
But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe, along the hypothetical Z axis there.
Frink extends his chalk square into a cube. The onlookers GASP in astonishment. (p.45)
PROF. FRINK (CONT’D)
This forms a three-dimensional object known as a “cube” or a “Frinkahedron”, in honor of its discoverer. (MODEST FRINK NOISE)
HOMER (V.O.)
(SCARED) Help me! Are you helping me, or are you going on and on?
PROF. FRINK
(AFTERTHOUGHT) Oh, right, and of course, within we find the doomed individual.
He draws a crude picture of Homer trapped within the cube. Homer’s expression is one of unmitigated horror.
CHIEF WIGGUM
(LEAPING UP) Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man’s life is at stake! We need action!
Wiggum draws his gun and FIRES six shots into the portal.
CHIEF WIGGUM (CONT’D)
Take that, you lousy dimension!
IN THE THIRD DIMENSION SCENE 9
HOMER cowers as the bullets zoom at him. At the last second, however, the bullets are pulled off course by the black hole, which is growing larger by the second. The bullets orbit around a few times, then spiral down into oblivion. Homer peers into the black hole, scared. (p.46).
HOMER
Oh, there’s so much I don’t know about astrophysics. I wish I’d read that book by that wheelchair guy.
Suddenly, Homer’s face starts to stretch and twist down the hole, becoming many meters long.
HOMER (CONT’D)
(DISTORTED SHRIEK)
He quickly yanks his face back. He backs away from the hole as it continues to widen. The WHOOSHING suction increases, pulling in objects, including the MYST Temple and the golden fish. OMINOUS MUSIC BUILDS.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
The spectators mill about in consternation. Grampa enters, wearing an old-fashioned deep-sea diving suit.
GRAMPA
I’ll save Homer. All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows.
JASPER wheels out an old-timey hand-cranked generator, which is hooked up to Grampa. Grampa closes the porthole on his helmet and heads toward the wall. Frink stops him.
FRINK
No, Pops, it’s too risky. For all we know, there could be cubes in there the size of gorillas and other large…
HOMER (V.O.)
Help! I don’t have much time!
BART
That does it. I’m going in.
Bart has tied a rope around his waist. He rushes toward the wall. (p.48)
MARGE
Bart, no!
Before she can stop him, he vanishes into the wall.
IN THE THIRD DIMENSION
We see Bart becoming three-dimensional as he steps through the portal. He looks around in wonder.
BART
Cool, man!
BART’S POV
The ROAR OF THE WIND is deafening as the black hole sucks in most of the remaining objects. A la “Monday Night Football”, two animated football helmets smash into each other and explode, the pieces being sucked down the hole. After the helmets disappear, Bart sees a terrified Homer on the far side of the vortex.
OVERHEAD SHOT
The black hole now takes up almost the entire universe. Homer stands on a narrow ledge, trying not to fall in.
HOMER
(CRAZED WITH FEAR) (AD-LIB BABBLING ABOUT TH EBLACK HOLE) I’m gonna be sucked into the black hole!…What’s gonna become of me on the other side?! I don’t know… (ETC)
BART
I’ll save you, Dad.
The sign for X, Y and Z streets is bent over the black hole like a palm tree in a hurricane. Bart shimmies out to the end and extends his arm toward Homer.
BART (CONT’D)
Oh, I can’t get any closer! You’ll have to jump! (p.48)
HOMER
(PHONY CONFIDENCE) Piece of cake
Homer runs straight down the wall of the vortex and disappears (breaking up into his component spheres, cubes, etc. On the way.)
HOMER (CONT’D)
(AS HE DISAPPEARS) Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap!
The CREAKING street sign reaches its breaking point. It SNAPS off and falls into the black hole.
BART
(SCREAM)
Bart tumbles into the darkness, but is suddenly yanked out of frame by the rope as the entire grid COLLAPSES in on itself.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Wiggum, Hibbert, etc., jerk on the rope, pulling Bart back in through the portal with an electric SPARK. There’s a beat of silence as Bart shakily stands up and turns to Marge.
MARGE
Bart, what happened?!
BART
Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sorta collapsed on itself…. but dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
HOMER
(DISTANT) Craaaaaaaaaaaap!
MARGE
Oh, Homie… (p.49)
REV. LOVEJOY
Be strong, Marge. I’m sure he’s gone to a better place.
EXT. VENTURA BOULEVARD – LIVE ACTION
There is an electrical CRACKLE, and a live action Homer (Dan Castellaneta in costume) falls from the sky and lands in a dumpster.
HOMER
(FALLING NOISE, PUNCTUATED BY ANNOYED GRUNT)
He dusts himself off, climbs out of the dumpster, and looks around.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Eww. This is the worst place yet.
He cautiously begins making his way down Ventura Boulevard. PEDESTRIANS (including our regular cast members), pass by gawking and pointing at Homer.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Omigod… (TERRIFIED WHISPERS)
Under the closing credits, a frightened Homer lumbers down the street past more wary pedestrians – a stranger in a strange land. As the credits close, Homer looks in a store window.
HOMER (CONT’D)
(HAPPILY) Ooh, erotic cakes!
Homer perks up and confidently strides into the store.
FADE OUT:
THE END
END OF SHOW
“Bart, what happened?” – Marge Simpson
“Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.” – Bart Simpson
“Crap!” – Homer Simpson
Happy birthday Nancy Cartwright!
“Groundskeeper Willie was in my nightmare too, but he got me with hedge clippers.” – Lisa Simpson
“He ran his floor buffer over me.” – Nelson Muntz
We’ve got a lot of good links this week. There’s two promising new blogs, several people who agree with us, and lots of fan made stuff (including a Mexican Bart figurine). But we’ve also got three – count ’em, three! – people who had the Simpsons in their dreams this week. Good thing you don’t have to pay a royalty for that yet. There’s also some good discussion of older episodes, a cool Flash map of Springfield, plenty of usage, and Zombie Simpsons damaging relations with Pakistan (well, sort of).
Enjoy.
Clickerbox: The Simpsons Season 2 – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this tour of Season 2 courtesy of someone who wasn’t allowed to watch the show as a kid but has seen many of the later episodes. She’s harsh on some episodes I love, but it’s fascinating to see someone coming at them from a perspective utterly unlike mine. She goes through the whole season, so there’s a lot here.
Cartoon Quotes – A new blog featuring, as you may have guessed, daily quotes from cartoons. It’s brand new, and has quotes from several characters ranging from Bugs Bunny to Shaggy from Scooby Doo, but Homer’s on the banner and there have been three Simpsons quotes already. All three of them are dead on correct, so let’s hope he keeps it up.
Interactive Map of Springfield – I sort of think I’ve posted this before, but it’s damn cool.
Poll: What is your favorite season of The Simpsons? – Lenny says that after much thought she’s got a favorite, but before she reveals it, she wants to know yours. I don’t think I could pick one, I’d just feel all the seasons I didn’t pick staring at me accusatorily. But if you’ve got one, go ahead.
Kidrobot and The Simpsons present Matt Groening – There’s going to be a Matt Groening doll. I suppose it was inevitable.
Forrest Gump and the Simpsons via YouTube – What if you took the audio from an extended trailer for Forrest Gump and matched to clips from the show? Well, you don’t have to, someone else did and it is fantastic:
That is great.
The Simpsons Meets Skyrim of the Day – Fus Ro D’oh.
10/18/11 – Even in dreams you can’t escape The Simpsons:
We are at our apartment, watching The Simpsons, while we wait to leave for the wedding. The roommate who is getting married points out how the character Lisa has changed in the episode, while my other roommate bakes.
Merman Sideshow Bob and Bart by ~Foxiso on deviantART – Fan made drawing of a Sideshow Bob as a merman drowning Bart, the idea for which originally came in a dream.
20th January – Another Simpsons dream:
Dream 5! Ohh yeah, we’re getting into the big numbers now! I was in our conservatory. I was with my brother, and a man who looked like one of the characters for the Simpsons. We were about to get filmed for an episode. It went well, so I went to watch the premiere. I looked like a Simpson!
That’s just what you’d look like if you were a cartoon character.
You Built What?! A Wearable LED Television – Remember that guy from last summer who built a television into a coat and had The Simpsons playing on it? He’s back, this time with a shirt that also plays The Simpsons. Excelsior to you, David Forbes. (via)
Obituary: Phil Hartman – Our old friend Gran2 has started a new blog called “Late Obituaries”. It’s either obituaries written long after the person dies, or an obituary for the genre of obituaries. This is the first post, and it strong suggests the former. That is a great picture of Hartman.
Bidding war over dried glue that looks like Homer Simpson. Sort of. – When this ends, I just picture the two guys who bid thousands for it giggling and running away when one of them wins as the auctioneer has to ask, “Yes, were there any serious bids for this item?”
Fascinating contest in store – Somewhere in New Zealand there is a racing greyhound named Sideshow Bob:
Secondly, the potent Dave and Jean Fahey Canterbury training partnership provided the quinella in both of those heats, although one of them (Sideshow Bob) has since been an injury-enforced scratching.
I really wish there was a picture.
Valentine’s Day Card – Awesome homemade “Choo Choo Choose” Valentine’s Day card.
LEGO-Can you guess what they are? – The Simpsons one is very minimalist and cool, but for giggle factor the champion has to be Lego Princess Leia photocopying her own butt.
Not Even Selma Will Have Him – Memebase – Forever alone!
Cartoon Pick of the Day: The Simpsons: Maggie Makes Three – Very nice writeup of “And Maggie Makes Three”.
Top 10 TV Theme Tunes – There’s a lot of good YouTube here, as well as more British shows than you usually see on lists like this. And, of course, we all know what’s at #1.
CAN’T SLEEP – Very Demotivational – That bed never gets old.
Leading News Resource of Pakistan – Last week I made fun of Zombie Simpsons for basically airing a free commercial for Cinnabon with their barely disguised “Cinnabun”. Here’s why they deserve your scorn:
‘Cinnabon’ opens newest location in Karachi
[…]
Homer Simpson loves them. Jerry Seinfeld wants to marry them. And now Karachi residents can enjoy the world famous cinnamon rolls filled with the company’s signature Makara Cinnamon.
Somebody’s using it to actually pimp Cinnabon in Pakistan. This never happened with Duff or Buzz.
Station / Estación # 10: Obrera – Click through for some excellent graffiti of Homer and Bart near a metro station in Mexico City.
These are the bricks you’re looking for – A take on the evolution of Lego, with a particular knock at a Zombie Simpsons’ joke from a couple of weeks ago.
Marge and Lisa Simpson Loves Donatella and Allegra Versace. Fashion Simpsons – From the same site as last week’s fashion mashups.
The GOP’s Seemingly Never-Ending Debates – Poor usage:
Apart from global appeal, intentional comedy, puckish charm and hints of a first-rate mind operating under a veneer of stupidity, Sarah Palin has something in common with Bart Simpson. I’m specifically talking about the scene where Grandpa, forced to babysit the kids, refers to a note card provided to him by Marge. It reads: “Always do the opposite of what Bart says.” Too bad the GOP isn’t as smart as Abe Simpson.
That manages to get the quote wrong and the character wrong, and that’s always poor usage.
My Favourite Cartoon Character – Cool fan made computer animated Lisa.
Nice Bart Simpson pictures – There’s two here. There’s a boring one of a Bartman statue at Comic Con 2009. The cool one is a homemade Bart figurine from Mexico.
Brits want to use bees as security guards to protect historic site – Excellent page whoring usage, io9:
Vandals are damaging a historic site in Wales, and its operators have come up with an ingenious solution: protect the place with bees. This should work, for as noted bee expert Homer Simpson once observed, bees will bite your bottom, and then your bottom’s big.
Got a dumb story with no hook? Gin up a tenuous Simpsons connection and put a picture of Homer on it. Denton has taught you well, young one.
The 15 Best Band Cameos on TV – Good list here. There’s lots of YouTube, and Simpsons makes it three times, for Smashing Pumpkins, The Ramones, and The Beatles, which comes in at #1.
First You Get the Sugar: The name might confuse, but the music doesn’t – Speaking of bands and the show, here’s another band that took it’s name from an episode:
“People in tune with The Simpsons get it pretty quick,” observes drummer Daniel Moscovitch.
“While others still don’t understand what it is,” chimes in guitarist Adam Kagan. “Which is good – I say go rent Scarface, then watch The Simpsons, and then you’ll understand.”
Australia Day…In 10 Words « In 10 Words – That scene in “Bart vs. Australia” was the only good thing to come out of Crocodile Dundee, and they made two sequels!
Homer Simpson Kills Ned Flanders by ~darthraner83 on deviantART – Fan art of Homer eating a donut after having just casually beheaded Flanders with a lightsaber. Definitely works better than a pipe.
Bart Simpson by ~katval1 on deviantART – Fan art of a slightly disturbing, goggle-eyed Bart.
Lisa Simpson by ~aquariano186 on deviantART – Speaking of disturbing, here’s fan art of a grown up Lisa with an undersized head and an oddly placed bust.
Simpsons scratchboard art by Edwin Vazquez – Lots more than just Simpsons characters here, very neat. The urinating Mickey Mouse is particularly depraved looking.
Man wins €680,000 with one-euro football accumulator bet – Excellent reference:
Anyone who has seen The Simpsons episode where Monty Burns opens a casino knows that betting is evil, and Gamblor will ensnare you with his neon claws if you partake.
Gambling is the finest thing a person can do.
Rangers’ Rookie Hagelin Honed His Skills as a Standout at Michigan – Another NHL player who likes the show:
Hagelin’s adjustment from Sweden to the United States was surprisingly smooth. He was already fluent in English, having learned the language in school and through daily viewings of “The Simpsons” and “That ’70s Show.”
“In Sweden, they broadcast the American shows in English with Swedish subtitles, whereas in many European countries they dub them,” Hagelin said. “Watching those shows in English was big for me.”
The Simpsons Trivia Game – A free, 1500 question Simpsons trivia game for Android.
Billy Cundiff: An Open Letter to the Baltimore Ravens’ Latest Scapegoat – Lenny actually says “Everybody” not “Everyone”, but this is still excellent usage:
To borrow a line from The Simpsons, "Everyone makes mistakes: that’s why they put erasers on pencils."
Poor Billy Cundiff.
Family Guy (And Other Controversial Cartoons) – A Family Guy review that agrees with us:
They parody songs, popular sayings, celebrities and other cartoons (such as The Simpsons… And how it’s not been funny since you were 13 – sad but true).
Indeed, sad and true.
30 Rock: Best Comedy on TV or Stuck in Cruise Control? – And here’s a review of 30 Rock that agrees with us:
I get the argument of, ‘Come on, 30 Rock should challenge itself and try something different.’ But look what happened to a show like The Simpsons. That was the funniest show on TV for about 10 years, but its style definitely started to change, and it got terrible, and quite frankly, I cringe when I see ads for an upcoming episode today. And trust me — this is coming from a die hard Simpsons fan back in the day.
And I guess that’s my point. I’m sure after 10-12 years, the creative team of The Simpsons needed to try something else with the show. It didn’t work. Okay, fair enough. Let’s move on. But that show is still on the air today, and it’s getting progressively worse, completely losing what made it so brilliant in the first place. At this point, stop trying to change it, and just end it.
Amen, brother.
Five TV Shows That Changed The World – Finally, here’s as excellent a one paragraph summary as you will ever read:
The Simpsons (1989-today)
Fully explaining the impact of The Simpsons in anything less than a massive leather bound tome is nearly impossible, considering the brilliant creative minds it has bestowed upon the world (Brad Bird! Conan O’Brien! Greg Daniels!), the countless shows it has influenced (South Park! Family Guy! Every show that’s ever been on Adult Swim!), and the staggering number of classic episodes it is responsible for (“Marge vs The Monorail!” “Homer at the Bat!” “Cape Feare!”). The “Golden Age” of The Simpsons is nearly a decade’s worth of sharp satire, breaking down every facet of American culture into hilarious, endlessly quotable, and sometimes even touching animated half-hours. Without The Simpsons, cartoons may have always been socially unacceptable for people over the age of 12 to watch. That an entire generation is growing up with a watered down, way-past-its-prime version of TV’s greatest dysfunctional cartoon family is a shame, but the first ten seasons of The Simpsons remain mandatory viewing for the pop culture fiends of the future.
Testify!
“Eww, this is the worst place yet.” – Homer Simpson
This week we’ve got lots of translations of everyone’s favorite yellow cartoons into the real world. There’s a fantastic rendition of the theme song done solely by one guy with no instruments, there’s maybe the best Patty & Selma costume I’ve ever seen, there’s more Duff beer, and there’s even a car with speed holes. On top of that, there’s quite a bit of fan art, plenty of usage, only one Super Bowl link, a great Zombie Simpsons design, and several people who relate to their lives and loved ones courtesy of the show.
Enjoy.
Coki Greenway – The First Tee Design I Did – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is an actual Zombie Simpsons print! And it’s enjoyably gruesome.
The Simpsons’ Theme Sung By Nick McKaig, if you the series you’ll love this – This was linked and tweeted by a ton of people this week, deservedly so:
Excellent.
The Best Simpsons Game Ever Is Coming to PS3 – Speaking of news that was everywhere this week, that old Simpsons arcade game is coming to PS3 and Xbox 360 next week. Many people are happy about this. Click through for an awesome – and I mean awesome – Konami ad from when this first came out. The clothes are exactly what trendy people in 1991 thought everyone would be wearing for the rest of the decade. Turns out it was just a late 80s hangover.
The Simpsons Patty & Thelma – Obviously that should be Selma not Thelma, but these homemade costumes are amazing. Jub Jub and the MacGyver DVD are the perfect touches.
Everythings Coming Up Millhouse … – Sweet fan made Milhouse drawing, because everything you need to know about Milhouse is in his glasses and eyebrows. The guy that did these is getting them screen printed, and you can e-mail him if you want one.
Poll: What is your favorite episode from Season 4 of The Simpsons? – Season 4 ended up winning Lenny’s poll last week, so this week she’s asking the equally difficult question of which is the best Season 4 episode. Again, I’m going to wuss out and refuse to answer. Picking one would just make me want to watch all the ones I didn’t pick.
Norwood is Springfield – Three locations, a church, a convenience store and a bar, all in a small city, reminds someone of Springfield. This kind of real life familiarity is one of the things Zombie Simpsons has lost with its constant remaking of Springfield into a trendy part of Southern California.
10 Things I Miss about Canada – Heh:
2. The Simpsons in English. Lisa sounds the same in Spanish but Homer sounds like a gruff Mexican General.
The Reason I Could Never Live in Kuala Lumpur – More heh:
It has a monorail. I’ve had the Monorail Song from the Simpsons going round my head for the past five days. Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! I think if I lived here this would eventually drive me crazy.
Black and White in Color: ‘Joyce Pensato: Batman Returns,’ at Friedrich Petzel Gallery – She takes Simpsons and other pop culture icons and remakes them into cool and creepy art. You can see some examples here.
Big Game: Great Moments In Halftime History – True:
The advent of CGI put a lot of good people out of work, including the stop-motion geniuses behind the Bud Bowl. From 1989 to 1997, even sober children fresh out of Sunday School could join in the Budweiser fun, albeit with their eyeballs instead of their taste buds (still the best way to enjoy an Anheuser-Busch product). Bottles of Bud Light, Bud Dry and Bud Ice would face off in a bout often better than the game itself. It even managed to be spoofed by The Simpsons, in its prime, which should be more than enough evidence to prove how amazing the Bud Bowl was
There’s YouTube of one of the commercials at the link, and they were epic. When it first started, my classmates and I were obsessed with the Bud Bowl. They had “pre-game” commercials running in the weeks up to the game, and then there’d be the actual game during the Super Bowl. We were so young we hardly knew what beer was, but we talked about it endlessly, which was precisely the point.
SPEED HOLES – Nice.
Homer Simpson for the soul – Everybody loves the end of “And Maggie Makes Three”.
20 Years Ago… – Some nostalgia for TV from twenty years ago, including MST3k, Johnny Carson, and The Simpsons.
A 10 Word Tribute to Don Cornelius – That’s very righteous.
QUOTABLE: 3.1 – The Simpsons – Stark Raving Dad – How about some quotes?:
Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you’d see how sane he is.
Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart? Good lord!
Man, I love that psychiatrist.
Sarcasmo To The Rescue! My Wit Cuts Sharp, Cuts Deep – Excellent usage:
Then out of nowhere comes Marv, “Saw it instantly with a glance.”
Me, “‘Oh your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can’t allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go for the good of the city!’”
Perfectly quoted (and don’t forget Sarcastro).
Six year olds are insane … – Speaking as someone who had to purchase Seasons 1-7 twice, I agree with this:
If I found the same exact joke funny, over and over I’d save a lot of money on DVD’s and crap. Oh wait, I do have that, it’s called the Simpsons.
Some of the best dollars I ever spent based on sheer amount of time I’ve used them.
KCLS Offers Study Zone For Kids K-12 – This story about a study group contains excellent usage:
"DOWN WITH HOMEWORK!" was the slogan on Bart Simpson’s tee-shirt that provoked the schoolhouse riot at Springfield Elementary, ultimately leading Principal Skinner to impose a uniform dress code. The episode featuring Bart’s anti-homework sentiment, “Team Homer,” aired on Sunday, Jan. 7, 1996.
That episode is now 16 years old, which means that for a K-12 study group not one of the kids is old enough to remember it when it was first broadcast. The endurance of The Simpsons shows up in so many ways.
‘Glee’ by the musical numbers: Maxing out on Michael Jackson – Excellent video usage:
Take this line from Mr. Schuester, which followed the horrifying slushie attack on Blaine by the evil Warbler leader Sebastian: “In all my years as a teacher and a student, I have never known a slushie to do that kind of damage.”(Ah, William Schuester. Clearly you are unaware of the permanent brain damage suffered by Bart Simpson and Milhouse Van Houten following the Great Squishee Bender of 1993.)
OUR VIEW: A thing about machines – Moderate usage:
In an amusing episode of "The Simpsons," Lisa Simpson, playing the bad girl, steals all the teachers’ editions of the school books. Mass chaos and panic ensues, with one teacher wailing, "WHO KNOWS THE MULTIPLICATION TABLES??" It’s a funny line, and could be repeated today if the Internet ceased to exist. One imagines students digging for long-discarded encyclopedias or simply curling up in a fetal-like ball if deprived of technological research tools such as Google or even Wikipedia.
He actually says, “Does anyone know the multiplication table?”, but that’s pretty close.
Whats the value of my Bart Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror issue #1 ? – It says there’s only a couple of hours left to answer, but I thought I’d put it here in case anyone knows the answer:
I have 2 copies of this comic it’s an original print, so it’s over 16 years old. I have one with Matt Groenings autograph on it and one without. I’d like to keep the autographed one and sell the other, they’re both in great quality and I’m wondering what’s the value someone would put on each one, thank you :)
Homer Simpson Glue Gob Sells for $240K on eBay | Gather – Sweet Jebus, I guess those bids were serious. It’s possible it was a prank bid, but maybe not. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to make glue bubbles for the rest of the day.
Duff Beer 24 Can Pack – The price of Duff appears to be coming down, though sadly this remains only available in the UK. (via)
The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach – Excellent usage:
This sort of relationship between young men once attracted no attention by the intensity of its innocence. The feelings it channelled were the ones that powered not just sporting events but armies and empires. Then the Kinsey report was published, and innocence seemed either self-deception or ruse. The buddy movie has never gone away, though recently renamed the bromance, but it can often seem unsure of itself. Even the simplest attitude is mined with contradictions, as when Homer Simpson, unreflecting homophobe, on being informed by tactful Marge that the local antiques dealer prefers the company of men, replies, "Who doesn’t?"
Marge Simpson by ~Babrico-Gurl on deviantART – Cool Marge fan art.
Mmmmm, donuts – A discussion of homemade donuts leads to YouTube of Grampa discovering John F. Kennedy’s terrible secret.
Smile! – Mother-daughter relations through the lens of “Moaning Lisa”.
Lazy Saturday « That Thing I Like – If you’re stuck inside you could do far worse than watching what appears to be “Simpson Tide”.
TV doctors #14 – Dr. Julius Hibbert – And that puts him ahead of Cliff Huxtable, who’s only #17.
Directions from Marge – I’d heard about GPS Mr. Burns a little while ago, but I didn’t know about Marge. This is on the appropriateness of getting GPS guidance from Marge Simpson:
I’ve watched The Simpsons for a long time, but one of my favorite things about it is the way it creates a bridge between a wide variety of people. People who might not think they have anything in common can smile together over a Simpsons reference. They’re a fixture and a reflection of so much in American culture that in some ways Marge is already telling us where we’re going, so it’s only fitting to have her voice on a GPS.
Top 100 Simpsons Episodes – There’s some Zombie Simpsons on here, but barely half a dozen of them, and only like two in the top fifty. Well done. And there’s an unusual pick at #1. It’s a great episode, I just don’t recall ever seeing it at the top of someone’s list before.
A Tribute to Lisa Simpson: My Feminist Role Model – And finally, I get to end with someone who agrees with us in an awesome way:
I grew up with The Simpsons.
Before I could talk, I could say “D’oh.” I’ve won so many games of Simpsons Scene-It that many of my friends refuse to play with me. Sometimes, my family and I communicate entirely in Simpsons quotes. My ability to relate almost every single life event to a Simpsons scene is often bewildering to those in my anti-capitalist, feminist friend circle, who often question my loyalty to the Simpsons franchise. However, what they often don’t understand is that this show shaped not only my sense of humor, but also my politics, often from the wisdom of the precocious eight-year-old Lisa Simpson.
She goes on to cite several examples of Lisa’s greatest lines, none of which are even close to Zombie Simpsons. (And, of course, this is further refutation of that guy’s arguments from last week.)
“Bart, don’t you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep we could die.” – Lisa Simpson
“Enh, welcome to my world.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson
(this episode directed by Bob Anderson)
Matt Groening has talked about how he feels the less lines needed to convey a character or emotion, the better. This show, and to some extent Futurama, has always hinged on simplistic design, but in an incredibly economical way. A great example is Homer with pantyhose on his head here. Two lines on his forehead to represent the stretching, and his nose being pushed down, and that’s it, you perfectly understand what’s happening. The second frame is unrelated to this topic, I just love Lard Lad’s pose as he comes to life with a Godzilla roar.
I love the framing of this shot, and throughout the episode, of human size vs. Lard Lad size. This donut is literally as big as the Simpson living room, which begs the question of how the hell Homer got it into the house in the first place. No matter though, he can think of no better way to celebrate than stripping down to his skivvies and chugging a beer. He didn’t even take the pantyhose off all the way. The shot of Homer answering the door is fantastic, with Lard Lad’s stern, angry face taking up nearly the entire doorway. How we just hang on the closed door and just hear the sounds of Lad smashing Flanders’ house, realizing Homer lied to him, then storming back is just great. Also, rather than smash the house for lying, he just rings the doorbell again. Homer opens, and it’s the same shot, but with a little Ned running by in the background screaming.
I don’t care what Lou said, this guy is a monster. Look, he’s taller than the buildings! He’s no high schooler, he’s got to be at least twelve feet tall.
The small touches really make this show great. Lisa sees the copyright stamp on Lard Lad’s footprint, and we cut to the ad agency, where we see Lisa’s bike parking outside. You didn’t need to put it there, but that extra detail communicates how she got there, and also emphasizes while she’s clearly smarter than the whole damn town in dealing with this horrible situation, she’s still a child needing to rely on her bike. Also, great posters on the wall: “50 Million Cigarette Smokers Can’t Be Wrong!” and “If You Like Ike, You’ll Love Laramie Septic Tanks!”
This has got to be my favorite Kang and Kodos cameo. It happens so late, so it’s so wonderfully random. I love their shit eating grins as they try to win over the rolling donut, but to no avail (“Oh, shazbot!”)
Our second segment opens seemingly calm and idyllic, but I love how the dream atmosphere is subtly set up with the painterly backgrounds, so you can already tell something is wrong. Then when Santa’s Little Helper gets on his hind legs and starts talking, and Bart does extreme takes like a Tex Avery cartoon, your suspicions are confirmed.
Martin dying is one of the most horrifying things in any Treehouse of Horror. The extreme poses, and Russi Taylor’s absolutely blood curdling scream is absolutely unreal. But, of course, it’s immediately paired with funny as his frightening corpse is revealed to the class, and then subsequently wheeled into the kindergarten. Only The Simpsons could make traumatizing four-year-olds hysterical.
The flashback to Dream Willie’s origins is so fantastic, the quick cuts back and forth from his escape attempts to the budget meeting besting him at every turn. Then when he finally bursts into the classroom, he’s forced to sit down, still on fire. I love how lame he looks sitting here, as he proceeds to burn to death while the most inconsequential discussion about the kids’ lunch schedule goes on. Skeleton Willie is incredibly eerie as well, at least until he dissolves into dust. And, being the school groundskeeper, he cleans up after himself with a dustpan.
Oh, and look at this shot of these three fat fathers in the front room, crouched down and scrunched into these children’s seats. Amidst the tense scene, this shot always makes me laugh.
Once Willie hits the “sinky-sank,” he’s seemingly done for, and quickly morphs through his many other forms before turning back to regular Willie and sinking to his demise. We’d never seen him as an elephant, tank or rocket before, but seeing as they’re all dangerous weapons (especially that elephant), I’m guessing they were forms of destruction he never got a chance to torture kids with.
A really quick bit I really love, a cartoon classic where Homer lifts the flat rug, only to find Santa’s Little Helper and Snowball II hiding under there somehow. And how their growling starts and stops when Homer lifts and puts down the rug.
The money shot of the entire segment, where 2D Homer becomes 3D Homer. Again, looks a whole lot better watching it than staring at framegrabs. The 3D sections were done by Pacific Data Images, who would soon after this pair up with DreamWorks and start up DreamWorks Animation. Keep in mind, this episode aired a mere month before Toy Story released in theaters, so at the time, this was definitely pretty eye opening.
The 3D certainly looks dated by the super technologically advanced age we live in today, but I still like the look of it. They went simple by their means, but also the serve the story. The idea is that Homer is trapped in the third dimension, as in literally the concept of 3D. So he’s just on this grid with a bunch of cones, cubes and spheres, like he’s trapped in a primitive Maya scene file. Also floating around the background are a bunch of 3D and mathematical in jokes, most notable being the Utah teapot, the first object to ever be rendered in 3D. All those math equations I’m sure was the work of writer David S. (later X.) Cohen, who would go on to co-create Futurama, a series with a writing staff who all held phDs, and who put them to work.
Back in 2D, this was a wonderfully nice subtle touch of Frink’s hair bouncing up and down as Wiggum fired blindly into the unknown abyss.
I remember Homer breaking apart falling into the black hole always kinda creeped me out as a kid. It also feels a bit similar to him being broken up in a similar way during the epiphany scene during the movie. Surely a coincidence though. I also remember seeing this segment in an IMAX film CyberWorld. It was a 2000 release that I’m sure played in very, very few screens, I saw it in NYC; it was basically an anthology film of different CG animated segments, which included some short films, the dance scene from Antz, and of course, Homer^3. And it was in 3D! And I only saw it because I wanted to see The Simpsons on an IMAX screen. Does anyone else remember this? Anybody?
“Homer, where did you get that?” – Marge Simpson
“Get what?” – Homer Simpson
“That giant donut.” – Marge Simpson
“Well, I acquired it legally. You can be sure of that.” – Homer Simpson
Happy birthday Dan Castellaneta!
“Here comes something!” – Kodos
“Remember the story. We’re newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital.” – Kang
“Oh, shazbot.” – Kodos
Goodbye, Robin Williams.
“Homer, just give him the donut! Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror.” – Marge Simpson
“Well, okay. If it’ll end horror. . . . Don’t you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?” – Homer Simpson
“Sometimes.” – Marge Simpson
Happy birthday Dan Castellaneta!
“I am the wondrous wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension, and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma!” – Martin Prince
This seems to be the week for rare, higher quality stuff, and while there are fewer links than usual below, what we lack in quantity we make up for in quality. There are three or four that would be a Link of the Week most of the time, including the Latin language link, the six eras of the Simpsons link, the 9 minute video about Homer, and the one about movie plots. And that’s not all! We’ve got the family made out of snow, a great fan painting, a couple of looks at Season 1, and more.
Enjoy.
Latin on “The Simpsons” – An impressively thorough recounting of the many ways Latin has been used and abused on the show. Also, there could even be a Latin root for cromulent:
The most famous coinage on “The Simpsons” is “cromulent,” which has become a perfectly cromulent word meaning “authentic” or “legitimate,” ever since its initial appearance in “Lisa the Iconoclast” (3F13, 1996). I’m sure writer David X. Cohen coined it with no thought for its possible etymology, but given that adjectives ending in “-lent” are usually derived from Latin, I propose an etymology from the Latin word “croma,” a first declension noun defined by the 1982 Oxford Latin Dictionary as a “surveying instrument for taking bearings to fix lines of orientation.” The noun’s diminutive form would notionally be “cromula.” I know no other Latin word with the root “crom-,” and it’s easy to imagine that a small instrument whose purpose is to measure straight, accurate lines could yield an adjective meaning “legitimate” or “authentic.”
Watch S2E17 – Homer Simpson – This is a 9 minute video with a talking cardboard box describing the rise and fall of Homer as a character. The premise gets a little wobbly near the end (I only buy one shift in Homer, not two; and I don’t think According to Jim and various other terrible shows influenced Zombie Simpsons much, if at all), but overall it’s very well done and uses big words in addition to simpler ones:
“The Homer of today is very different from the Homer the show started out with.”
Bristles Babbles #22: The Simpsons Season 1 Review (1989-1990) (SPOILERS) – I got the above link from this thoughtful dissection of Season 1, including this which I’d never noticed before:
Yet another slip-up in episode 8 that I managed to catch on to just by being lucky enough to pause at the right moment comes when the chalkboard gag “I DID NOT SEE ELVIS” changes for a frame before it goes off screen to “I WILL NOT WASTE CHALK”, which was the gag from episode 2.
It really was just a single frame:
Good eye.
Season One: In Retrospect | You Don’t Win Friends With Simpsons – And speaking of Season 1, our old friend Noah P has started a rewatch them all blog. Here’s his Season 1 retrospecticus with links to each episode.
Saturdays Of Thunder – Episode #044 – And speaking of watching every episode, Ash is up to the National Fatherhood Institute.
Movie plots I have pieced together from The Simpsons – We’ve all had the experience of seeing a movie and thinking, “Wait, I saw that on Simpsons”. And there’s nary a trace of Zombie Simpsons. Well done.
Review: The Simpsons: “The Man Who Came To Be Dinner” – I rarely read other reviews of Zombie Simpsons, but this being kind of a weird week, I did read this one. I am unimpressed. The author has given a “B-” or higher to every episode so far this season, then he writes stuff like this:
It would be a lot easier to make the case that The Simpsons still has value if the people behind the show seemed to give a damn. But an episode like “The Man Who Came To Be Dinner” is a product of such slapdash, breezy disregard for what makes The Simpsons The Simpsons that it functions as a dispiriting signpost to the show’s hastening irrelevance.
And this:
The Simpsons has survived because of that world and the characters in it—that’s why it can stretch itself into ludicrous shapes for an episode and spring back to its original shape unharmed by the next. The show has rules, the characters have integrity, and actions and emotions have consequences. When “The Man Who Came To Be Dinner” just says, “fuck it” and throws the show’s reality out into space, The Simpsons is left just drifting there, unmoored from what makes it itself.
And that’s not true of pretty much all Zombie Simpsons . . . how, exactly? Everyone gets their own opinions on the internet, but if you’re willing to swallow – just so far this season – Moe coming down the chimney, an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon without Itchy, Homer getting repeatedly washed overboard during a hurricane, a giant & secret drilling rig in the middle of Evergreen Terrace, and all that weird, magical shit at Burning Man, how does Kang and Kodos cross a line? The show lost all of its dignity and rules a long, long, long time ago, lamenting that this episode somehow damaged something is illogical and inconsistent at the very least.
The Way They Was: Six Totally Different Shows The Simpsons Has Been – Thanks to reader Cory F. for e-mailing this in, and thanks to the at least two people who linked us in the comments. I don’t think you can chop up the early seasons with quite that much granularity, but this is one of the more inventive takes on the show I’ve read in a while.
The Simpsons Go Original Star Trek – A rundown of some of the Star Trek references from last week’s closing credits.
In the veganning: Part 1 – A conversion to veganism explained (partially) through the medium of Simpsons references:
When I figured out that lamb chops came from lambs (my Lisa Simpson moment), I refused to eat them anymore.
In Tune With The Drip by Duane Gavins Jr. – Absolutely excellent fan made painting(?) of Lisa and her sax.
Making the Best of Snow – Among other things, there’s a guy next to the entire Simpson family on a snow couch. Bravo, good sir.
The ‘Mythbusters’/’Simpsons’ Crossover Finally Has A Trailer – Crossover seems like the wrong word here, anonymous headline writer person.
Characters tackle post-apocalyptic challenges in Simpsons play – The play is headed to Albuquerque.
TV Legends Revealed | What Famous Guest Wouldn’t Let ‘The Simpsons’ Make Fun of Him? – But that’s because he was the greatest entertainer in the world.
New trending GIF tagged tv the simpsons pizza… – We got everything we need on you.
‘Bartman’ Outsells ‘Batman’ In France, And So Do These Other Comics – Not much to this more than the headline, but it’s kind of interesting.
“Bart, what happened?” – Marge Simpson
“Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.” – Bart Simpson
“Crap!” – Homer Simpson
Happy birthday Nancy Cartwright!
“Groundskeeper Willie was in my nightmare too, but he got me with hedge clippers.” – Lisa Simpson
“He ran his floor buffer over me.” – Nelson Muntz
We’ve got a lot of good links this week. There’s two promising new blogs, several people who agree with us, and lots of fan made stuff (including a Mexican Bart figurine). But we’ve also got three – count ’em, three! – people who had the Simpsons in their dreams this week. Good thing you don’t have to pay a royalty for that yet. There’s also some good discussion of older episodes, a cool Flash map of Springfield, plenty of usage, and Zombie Simpsons damaging relations with Pakistan (well, sort of).
Enjoy.
Clickerbox: The Simpsons Season 2 – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this tour of Season 2 courtesy of someone who wasn’t allowed to watch the show as a kid but has seen many of the later episodes. She’s harsh on some episodes I love, but it’s fascinating to see someone coming at them from a perspective utterly unlike mine. She goes through the whole season, so there’s a lot here.
Cartoon Quotes – A new blog featuring, as you may have guessed, daily quotes from cartoons. It’s brand new, and has quotes from several characters ranging from Bugs Bunny to Shaggy from Scooby Doo, but Homer’s on the banner and there have been three Simpsons quotes already. All three of them are dead on correct, so let’s hope he keeps it up.
Interactive Map of Springfield – I sort of think I’ve posted this before, but it’s damn cool.
Poll: What is your favorite season of The Simpsons? – Lenny says that after much thought she’s got a favorite, but before she reveals it, she wants to know yours. I don’t think I could pick one, I’d just feel all the seasons I didn’t pick staring at me accusatorily. But if you’ve got one, go ahead.
Kidrobot and The Simpsons present Matt Groening – There’s going to be a Matt Groening doll. I suppose it was inevitable.
Forrest Gump and the Simpsons via YouTube – What if you took the audio from an extended trailer for Forrest Gump and matched to clips from the show? Well, you don’t have to, someone else did and it is fantastic:
That is great.
The Simpsons Meets Skyrim of the Day – Fus Ro D’oh.
10/18/11 – Even in dreams you can’t escape The Simpsons:
We are at our apartment, watching The Simpsons, while we wait to leave for the wedding. The roommate who is getting married points out how the character Lisa has changed in the episode, while my other roommate bakes.
Merman Sideshow Bob and Bart by ~Foxiso on deviantART – Fan made drawing of a Sideshow Bob as a merman drowning Bart, the idea for which originally came in a dream.
20th January – Another Simpsons dream:
Dream 5! Ohh yeah, we’re getting into the big numbers now! I was in our conservatory. I was with my brother, and a man who looked like one of the characters for the Simpsons. We were about to get filmed for an episode. It went well, so I went to watch the premiere. I looked like a Simpson!
That’s just what you’d look like if you were a cartoon character.
You Built What?! A Wearable LED Television – Remember that guy from last summer who built a television into a coat and had The Simpsons playing on it? He’s back, this time with a shirt that also plays The Simpsons. Excelsior to you, David Forbes. (via)
Obituary: Phil Hartman – Our old friend Gran2 has started a new blog called “Late Obituaries”. It’s either obituaries written long after the person dies, or an obituary for the genre of obituaries. This is the first post, and it strong suggests the former. That is a great picture of Hartman.
Bidding war over dried glue that looks like Homer Simpson. Sort of. – When this ends, I just picture the two guys who bid thousands for it giggling and running away when one of them wins as the auctioneer has to ask, “Yes, were there any serious bids for this item?”
Fascinating contest in store – Somewhere in New Zealand there is a racing greyhound named Sideshow Bob:
Secondly, the potent Dave and Jean Fahey Canterbury training partnership provided the quinella in both of those heats, although one of them (Sideshow Bob) has since been an injury-enforced scratching.
I really wish there was a picture.
Valentine’s Day Card – Awesome homemade “Choo Choo Choose” Valentine’s Day card.
LEGO-Can you guess what they are? – The Simpsons one is very minimalist and cool, but for giggle factor the champion has to be Lego Princess Leia photocopying her own butt.
Not Even Selma Will Have Him – Memebase – Forever alone!
Cartoon Pick of the Day: The Simpsons: Maggie Makes Three – Very nice writeup of “And Maggie Makes Three”.
Top 10 TV Theme Tunes – There’s a lot of good YouTube here, as well as more British shows than you usually see on lists like this. And, of course, we all know what’s at #1.
CAN’T SLEEP – Very Demotivational – That bed never gets old.
Leading News Resource of Pakistan – Last week I made fun of Zombie Simpsons for basically airing a free commercial for Cinnabon with their barely disguised “Cinnabun”. Here’s why they deserve your scorn:
‘Cinnabon’ opens newest location in Karachi
[…]
Homer Simpson loves them. Jerry Seinfeld wants to marry them. And now Karachi residents can enjoy the world famous cinnamon rolls filled with the company’s signature Makara Cinnamon.
Somebody’s using it to actually pimp Cinnabon in Pakistan. This never happened with Duff or Buzz.
Station / Estación # 10: Obrera – Click through for some excellent graffiti of Homer and Bart near a metro station in Mexico City.
These are the bricks you’re looking for – A take on the evolution of Lego, with a particular knock at a Zombie Simpsons’ joke from a couple of weeks ago.
Marge and Lisa Simpson Loves Donatella and Allegra Versace. Fashion Simpsons – From the same site as last week’s fashion mashups.
The GOP’s Seemingly Never-Ending Debates – Poor usage:
Apart from global appeal, intentional comedy, puckish charm and hints of a first-rate mind operating under a veneer of stupidity, Sarah Palin has something in common with Bart Simpson. I’m specifically talking about the scene where Grandpa, forced to babysit the kids, refers to a note card provided to him by Marge. It reads: “Always do the opposite of what Bart says.” Too bad the GOP isn’t as smart as Abe Simpson.
That manages to get the quote wrong and the character wrong, and that’s always poor usage.
My Favourite Cartoon Character – Cool fan made computer animated Lisa.
Nice Bart Simpson pictures – There’s two here. There’s a boring one of a Bartman statue at Comic Con 2009. The cool one is a homemade Bart figurine from Mexico.
Brits want to use bees as security guards to protect historic site – Excellent page whoring usage, io9:
Vandals are damaging a historic site in Wales, and its operators have come up with an ingenious solution: protect the place with bees. This should work, for as noted bee expert Homer Simpson once observed, bees will bite your bottom, and then your bottom’s big.
Got a dumb story with no hook? Gin up a tenuous Simpsons connection and put a picture of Homer on it. Denton has taught you well, young one.
The 15 Best Band Cameos on TV – Good list here. There’s lots of YouTube, and Simpsons makes it three times, for Smashing Pumpkins, The Ramones, and The Beatles, which comes in at #1.
First You Get the Sugar: The name might confuse, but the music doesn’t – Speaking of bands and the show, here’s another band that took it’s name from an episode:
“People in tune with The Simpsons get it pretty quick,” observes drummer Daniel Moscovitch.
“While others still don’t understand what it is,” chimes in guitarist Adam Kagan. “Which is good – I say go rent Scarface, then watch The Simpsons, and then you’ll understand.”
Australia Day…In 10 Words « In 10 Words – That scene in “Bart vs. Australia” was the only good thing to come out of Crocodile Dundee, and they made two sequels!
Homer Simpson Kills Ned Flanders by ~darthraner83 on deviantART – Fan art of Homer eating a donut after having just casually beheaded Flanders with a lightsaber. Definitely works better than a pipe.
Bart Simpson by ~katval1 on deviantART – Fan art of a slightly disturbing, goggle-eyed Bart.
Lisa Simpson by ~aquariano186 on deviantART – Speaking of disturbing, here’s fan art of a grown up Lisa with an undersized head and an oddly placed bust.
Simpsons scratchboard art by Edwin Vazquez – Lots more than just Simpsons characters here, very neat. The urinating Mickey Mouse is particularly depraved looking.
Man wins €680,000 with one-euro football accumulator bet – Excellent reference:
Anyone who has seen The Simpsons episode where Monty Burns opens a casino knows that betting is evil, and Gamblor will ensnare you with his neon claws if you partake.
Gambling is the finest thing a person can do.
Rangers’ Rookie Hagelin Honed His Skills as a Standout at Michigan – Another NHL player who likes the show:
Hagelin’s adjustment from Sweden to the United States was surprisingly smooth. He was already fluent in English, having learned the language in school and through daily viewings of “The Simpsons” and “That ’70s Show.”
“In Sweden, they broadcast the American shows in English with Swedish subtitles, whereas in many European countries they dub them,” Hagelin said. “Watching those shows in English was big for me.”
The Simpsons Trivia Game – A free, 1500 question Simpsons trivia game for Android.
Billy Cundiff: An Open Letter to the Baltimore Ravens’ Latest Scapegoat – Lenny actually says “Everybody” not “Everyone”, but this is still excellent usage:
To borrow a line from The Simpsons, "Everyone makes mistakes: that’s why they put erasers on pencils."
Poor Billy Cundiff.
Family Guy (And Other Controversial Cartoons) – A Family Guy review that agrees with us:
They parody songs, popular sayings, celebrities and other cartoons (such as The Simpsons… And how it’s not been funny since you were 13 – sad but true).
Indeed, sad and true.
30 Rock: Best Comedy on TV or Stuck in Cruise Control? – And here’s a review of 30 Rock that agrees with us:
I get the argument of, ‘Come on, 30 Rock should challenge itself and try something different.’ But look what happened to a show like The Simpsons. That was the funniest show on TV for about 10 years, but its style definitely started to change, and it got terrible, and quite frankly, I cringe when I see ads for an upcoming episode today. And trust me — this is coming from a die hard Simpsons fan back in the day.
And I guess that’s my point. I’m sure after 10-12 years, the creative team of The Simpsons needed to try something else with the show. It didn’t work. Okay, fair enough. Let’s move on. But that show is still on the air today, and it’s getting progressively worse, completely losing what made it so brilliant in the first place. At this point, stop trying to change it, and just end it.
Amen, brother.
Five TV Shows That Changed The World – Finally, here’s as excellent a one paragraph summary as you will ever read:
The Simpsons (1989-today)
Fully explaining the impact of The Simpsons in anything less than a massive leather bound tome is nearly impossible, considering the brilliant creative minds it has bestowed upon the world (Brad Bird! Conan O’Brien! Greg Daniels!), the countless shows it has influenced (South Park! Family Guy! Every show that’s ever been on Adult Swim!), and the staggering number of classic episodes it is responsible for (“Marge vs The Monorail!” “Homer at the Bat!” “Cape Feare!”). The “Golden Age” of The Simpsons is nearly a decade’s worth of sharp satire, breaking down every facet of American culture into hilarious, endlessly quotable, and sometimes even touching animated half-hours. Without The Simpsons, cartoons may have always been socially unacceptable for people over the age of 12 to watch. That an entire generation is growing up with a watered down, way-past-its-prime version of TV’s greatest dysfunctional cartoon family is a shame, but the first ten seasons of The Simpsons remain mandatory viewing for the pop culture fiends of the future.
Testify!
“Eww, this is the worst place yet.” – Homer Simpson
This week we’ve got lots of translations of everyone’s favorite yellow cartoons into the real world. There’s a fantastic rendition of the theme song done solely by one guy with no instruments, there’s maybe the best Patty & Selma costume I’ve ever seen, there’s more Duff beer, and there’s even a car with speed holes. On top of that, there’s quite a bit of fan art, plenty of usage, only one Super Bowl link, a great Zombie Simpsons design, and several people who relate to their lives and loved ones courtesy of the show.
Enjoy.
Coki Greenway – The First Tee Design I Did – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is an actual Zombie Simpsons print! And it’s enjoyably gruesome.
The Simpsons’ Theme Sung By Nick McKaig, if you the series you’ll love this – This was linked and tweeted by a ton of people this week, deservedly so:
Excellent.
The Best Simpsons Game Ever Is Coming to PS3 – Speaking of news that was everywhere this week, that old Simpsons arcade game is coming to PS3 and Xbox 360 next week. Many people are happy about this. Click through for an awesome – and I mean awesome – Konami ad from when this first came out. The clothes are exactly what trendy people in 1991 thought everyone would be wearing for the rest of the decade. Turns out it was just a late 80s hangover.
The Simpsons Patty & Thelma – Obviously that should be Selma not Thelma, but these homemade costumes are amazing. Jub Jub and the MacGyver DVD are the perfect touches.
Everythings Coming Up Millhouse … – Sweet fan made Milhouse drawing, because everything you need to know about Milhouse is in his glasses and eyebrows. The guy that did these is getting them screen printed, and you can e-mail him if you want one.
Poll: What is your favorite episode from Season 4 of The Simpsons? – Season 4 ended up winning Lenny’s poll last week, so this week she’s asking the equally difficult question of which is the best Season 4 episode. Again, I’m going to wuss out and refuse to answer. Picking one would just make me want to watch all the ones I didn’t pick.
Norwood is Springfield – Three locations, a church, a convenience store and a bar, all in a small city, reminds someone of Springfield. This kind of real life familiarity is one of the things Zombie Simpsons has lost with its constant remaking of Springfield into a trendy part of Southern California.
10 Things I Miss about Canada – Heh:
2. The Simpsons in English. Lisa sounds the same in Spanish but Homer sounds like a gruff Mexican General.
The Reason I Could Never Live in Kuala Lumpur – More heh:
It has a monorail. I’ve had the Monorail Song from the Simpsons going round my head for the past five days. Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! I think if I lived here this would eventually drive me crazy.
Black and White in Color: ‘Joyce Pensato: Batman Returns,’ at Friedrich Petzel Gallery – She takes Simpsons and other pop culture icons and remakes them into cool and creepy art. You can see some examples here.
Big Game: Great Moments In Halftime History – True:
The advent of CGI put a lot of good people out of work, including the stop-motion geniuses behind the Bud Bowl. From 1989 to 1997, even sober children fresh out of Sunday School could join in the Budweiser fun, albeit with their eyeballs instead of their taste buds (still the best way to enjoy an Anheuser-Busch product). Bottles of Bud Light, Bud Dry and Bud Ice would face off in a bout often better than the game itself. It even managed to be spoofed by The Simpsons, in its prime, which should be more than enough evidence to prove how amazing the Bud Bowl was
There’s YouTube of one of the commercials at the link, and they were epic. When it first started, my classmates and I were obsessed with the Bud Bowl. They had “pre-game” commercials running in the weeks up to the game, and then there’d be the actual game during the Super Bowl. We were so young we hardly knew what beer was, but we talked about it endlessly, which was precisely the point.
SPEED HOLES – Nice.
Homer Simpson for the soul – Everybody loves the end of “And Maggie Makes Three”.
20 Years Ago… – Some nostalgia for TV from twenty years ago, including MST3k, Johnny Carson, and The Simpsons.
A 10 Word Tribute to Don Cornelius – That’s very righteous.
QUOTABLE: 3.1 – The Simpsons – Stark Raving Dad – How about some quotes?:
Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you’d see how sane he is.
Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart? Good lord!
Man, I love that psychiatrist.
Sarcasmo To The Rescue! My Wit Cuts Sharp, Cuts Deep – Excellent usage:
Then out of nowhere comes Marv, “Saw it instantly with a glance.”
Me, “‘Oh your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can’t allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go for the good of the city!’”
Perfectly quoted (and don’t forget Sarcastro).
Six year olds are insane … – Speaking as someone who had to purchase Seasons 1-7 twice, I agree with this:
If I found the same exact joke funny, over and over I’d save a lot of money on DVD’s and crap. Oh wait, I do have that, it’s called the Simpsons.
Some of the best dollars I ever spent based on sheer amount of time I’ve used them.
KCLS Offers Study Zone For Kids K-12 – This story about a study group contains excellent usage:
"DOWN WITH HOMEWORK!" was the slogan on Bart Simpson’s tee-shirt that provoked the schoolhouse riot at Springfield Elementary, ultimately leading Principal Skinner to impose a uniform dress code. The episode featuring Bart’s anti-homework sentiment, “Team Homer,” aired on Sunday, Jan. 7, 1996.
That episode is now 16 years old, which means that for a K-12 study group not one of the kids is old enough to remember it when it was first broadcast. The endurance of The Simpsons shows up in so many ways.
‘Glee’ by the musical numbers: Maxing out on Michael Jackson – Excellent video usage:
Take this line from Mr. Schuester, which followed the horrifying slushie attack on Blaine by the evil Warbler leader Sebastian: “In all my years as a teacher and a student, I have never known a slushie to do that kind of damage.”(Ah, William Schuester. Clearly you are unaware of the permanent brain damage suffered by Bart Simpson and Milhouse Van Houten following the Great Squishee Bender of 1993.)
OUR VIEW: A thing about machines – Moderate usage:
In an amusing episode of "The Simpsons," Lisa Simpson, playing the bad girl, steals all the teachers’ editions of the school books. Mass chaos and panic ensues, with one teacher wailing, "WHO KNOWS THE MULTIPLICATION TABLES??" It’s a funny line, and could be repeated today if the Internet ceased to exist. One imagines students digging for long-discarded encyclopedias or simply curling up in a fetal-like ball if deprived of technological research tools such as Google or even Wikipedia.
He actually says, “Does anyone know the multiplication table?”, but that’s pretty close.
Whats the value of my Bart Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror issue #1 ? – It says there’s only a couple of hours left to answer, but I thought I’d put it here in case anyone knows the answer:
I have 2 copies of this comic it’s an original print, so it’s over 16 years old. I have one with Matt Groenings autograph on it and one without. I’d like to keep the autographed one and sell the other, they’re both in great quality and I’m wondering what’s the value someone would put on each one, thank you :)
Homer Simpson Glue Gob Sells for $240K on eBay | Gather – Sweet Jebus, I guess those bids were serious. It’s possible it was a prank bid, but maybe not. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to make glue bubbles for the rest of the day.
Duff Beer 24 Can Pack – The price of Duff appears to be coming down, though sadly this remains only available in the UK. (via)
The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach – Excellent usage:
This sort of relationship between young men once attracted no attention by the intensity of its innocence. The feelings it channelled were the ones that powered not just sporting events but armies and empires. Then the Kinsey report was published, and innocence seemed either self-deception or ruse. The buddy movie has never gone away, though recently renamed the bromance, but it can often seem unsure of itself. Even the simplest attitude is mined with contradictions, as when Homer Simpson, unreflecting homophobe, on being informed by tactful Marge that the local antiques dealer prefers the company of men, replies, "Who doesn’t?"
Marge Simpson by ~Babrico-Gurl on deviantART – Cool Marge fan art.
Mmmmm, donuts – A discussion of homemade donuts leads to YouTube of Grampa discovering John F. Kennedy’s terrible secret.
Smile! – Mother-daughter relations through the lens of “Moaning Lisa”.
Lazy Saturday « That Thing I Like – If you’re stuck inside you could do far worse than watching what appears to be “Simpson Tide”.
TV doctors #14 – Dr. Julius Hibbert – And that puts him ahead of Cliff Huxtable, who’s only #17.
Directions from Marge – I’d heard about GPS Mr. Burns a little while ago, but I didn’t know about Marge. This is on the appropriateness of getting GPS guidance from Marge Simpson:
I’ve watched The Simpsons for a long time, but one of my favorite things about it is the way it creates a bridge between a wide variety of people. People who might not think they have anything in common can smile together over a Simpsons reference. They’re a fixture and a reflection of so much in American culture that in some ways Marge is already telling us where we’re going, so it’s only fitting to have her voice on a GPS.
Top 100 Simpsons Episodes – There’s some Zombie Simpsons on here, but barely half a dozen of them, and only like two in the top fifty. Well done. And there’s an unusual pick at #1. It’s a great episode, I just don’t recall ever seeing it at the top of someone’s list before.
A Tribute to Lisa Simpson: My Feminist Role Model – And finally, I get to end with someone who agrees with us in an awesome way:
I grew up with The Simpsons.
Before I could talk, I could say “D’oh.” I’ve won so many games of Simpsons Scene-It that many of my friends refuse to play with me. Sometimes, my family and I communicate entirely in Simpsons quotes. My ability to relate almost every single life event to a Simpsons scene is often bewildering to those in my anti-capitalist, feminist friend circle, who often question my loyalty to the Simpsons franchise. However, what they often don’t understand is that this show shaped not only my sense of humor, but also my politics, often from the wisdom of the precocious eight-year-old Lisa Simpson.
She goes on to cite several examples of Lisa’s greatest lines, none of which are even close to Zombie Simpsons. (And, of course, this is further refutation of that guy’s arguments from last week.)
“Bart, don’t you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep we could die.” – Lisa Simpson
“Enh, welcome to my world.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson
“Homer, where did you get that?” – Marge Simpson
“Get what?” – Homer Simpson
“That giant donut.” – Marge Simpson
“Well, I acquired it legally. You can be sure of that.” – Homer Simpson
Happy birthday Dan Castellaneta!
“What’s going on here? I’m so bulgy. My stomach sticks way out in front and my- ahhhh!” – Homer Simpson
Happy 20th Anniversary to “Treehouse of Horror VI”! Original airdate 29 October 1995.
And happy birthday to the one, the only Dan Castellaneta!
“Help! Please help me!” – Groundskeeper Willie
“Willie, please, Mr. van Houten has the floor.” – Principal Skinner
“I for one would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance, so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don’t like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.” – Kirk van Houten
